A fresh start.

Thursday May 1, 2008
I've just been so overwhelmed lately that instead of doing just what little I can do, I've done nothing. I've just shut off and quit. Not good. I've found that when I'm on, I am on. I'm a great mom, wife, sister... you name it. But when I'm not on... I'm a wreck. I completely shut down and exist in this horrible depression stage with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, frustration, and so on and so forth. Enough of that. I need to come to terms with the fact that I have a depression problem once and for all. Not just when I'm dealing with being depressed but all the time. I will go and get medical help and won't let this drag me down any more. With that being said, I woke up knowing it's May 1st and deciding it was going to a fresh new start for me. And it really ended up being a great fresh start day. First up, and most important, making sure I knelt in morning prayer. I MUST do this every day. I can't function without it. And even though I didn't do everything I wanted to get done in a timely fashion that would be ideal, I did accomplish the important things. I read my Book of Mormon, and not only read but studied and that felt really good. This is another thing I MUST do every day in order to function right. I read with a renewed commitment to be diligent like Nephi and read at least a chapter daily but try for 2 with a goal finish date of August 20th. I've been way too relaxed about this and I've suffered the consequences of not having my daily spiritul boost that's so badly needed. And the only other MUST on my list today was to enjoy time with my family- real quality time. And that felt great as well. I was bummed yesterday when I found out at the Dr.'s that because of a nasty viral infection I have I can't workout for 5 days. I was totally ticked off. Unfortunately, in my screwy mind, that means I took a break from my whole fitness routine- ie. eating right. Me being the comfort binge eater that I am, I got stressed and ended up finishing off my new favorite thing to hate, Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream. Warning** If you've never tried this- DON'T EVER TRY IT! It's dangerous. It should come with a warning label. Oh man... it is sooo good. I also indulged myself a little bit with some reading time which I love but never take time to do. I got this book The Alchemist yesterday at Barne's & Noble with my giftcard from Christmas (yeah I know) and since I've opened it up I can't put it down. Talk about some major wisdom and inspiration! It's a good one. Later on in the day after a lot of R&R (the anti-viral I'm on is really strong and makes me so tired), I took the kids to go enjoy the perfect weather outside while we waited for Robert to get home from work. It was gorgeous outside and for once we weren't attacked by bugs and mosquitos as soon as we got out there. It was so nice and refreshing. When Robert got home he came out and hung out with us, blowed some bubbles with Baily, and as simple as it was it was complete bliss. My kids were happy, we were enjoying quality family time in absolutely gorgeous weather and I just did my best to soak it all in. I love moments like that. Like I said, it was simple but I'll always try to remember the sweet nothing moment that it was. When we were done outside Baily and I went and got some Carl's Jr. for dinner and yum-o! Two words... guacamole burger! Mmmm... (Seriously, why can't I have a happy medium when it comes to my eating and fitness. Why does it have to be all or nothing with me?!) After we ate we watched another episode of Prison Break and man is it getting intense. Love it! It's really gripping. After that Robert watched Lost and I watched tidbits of it while reading my book. I'm behind an episode so I wasn't really into it. After these new shows I love I've kinda lost my love for Lost- sadly :( Then it was family scriptures and prayers. I love how into this Baily is getting. She gets her own little scripture reader when we're reading and takes her "turn" with reading and always say "Hendy Fadder and Shesus" and then whatever else happens to be on her mind. And then when it's time for prayer (and she does this at meal time prayers too) it's always her turn and she has to do it on her own. I love it! It's precious and it totally melts my heart. I even got my blogging done today which feels good and I'm gonna get my mom's letter done tonight before I crash since that's the biggest thing weighing on my mind right now. And thanks by the way to everyone who's been so supportive and offered so much great advice with all my venting. Love you guys! What a great, fresh new start kind of day!

366 Blessings:

#122- Baily and her daddy blowing bubbles in a perfect evening weather.