Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I’ve been busy, busy. I’m doing great with the challenge so far. Saturday was a little bit of a slip up, but I must say I’ve exercised amazing mind muscle and will power which is a major accomplishment for me. I’ve been seconds away from quitting the challenge and putting it off yet again but I’ve stuck with it. I can’t help but get the thoughts and feelings of my unhappiness before I started out of my head every time I think about quitting which is exactly what I wanted to do in that situation. We are so broke but I’ve been able to get some money for baby-sitting my cousin Becca’s kids for a couple hours a day this week. I was able to get my groceries for only $46. I did have some food left-over from last week and my menu is a little boring but it’s a sacrifice I’m definitely willing to make. I also decided to try to start using Trim Spa as a supplement. I’m pretty hesitant about it having side effects or just being a waste of money, but I decided to give it a try. It was pretty cheap too. Tonight I went to Emely’s birthday dinner at Old Country Buffet. There were so many tempting treats, but I’m so, so proud of myself for eating clean. I had a couple bites of unauthorized food but I did awesome and exercised some major will power. I’m so into the BFL zone right now… like I’ve never, ever been before. I am constantly trying to visualize accomplishing my goals and am so ready to give it all I have… and I’m doing it! It feels great. I’m actually starting to develop some confidence in myself that I will actually follow through on this. I’m truly, truly excited. I noticed today how happy I am. I’m just happy and content right now. I feel almost a new zest for life… and it’s only the second week!
BFL isn’t my only reason for this change in attitude and feeling right now. I’m doing so well about keeping all my goals/resolutions. No, I haven’t been perfect, but my attitude of not giving up and willing to accept mistakes and move on, is making all the difference. I feel more productive and grateful.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to watch Becca’s kids this week. She has done so much for me and it’s nice to be able to give something back… even though she’s paying me. It seems like this week I just got super, duper busy and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to let up any time soon. But I love to be busy.
I have a test for a company tomorrow called Transcipt Express. We’re hoping that if it works out, I will be able to do a little work from home so we can overcome these financial problems we are having. I hate money!! We’re solely surviving on pure faith right now that Heavenly Father is going to help through this rut and get caught up on our bills. Especially our tithing. I hate that we ever let ourselves get behind… we have done so well all year- perfect even. We so badly need the blessings of tithing. I just need to trust Him that he’ll help us do what’s right. I don’t like to dwell on this though because I choose to stress out about it. So right now I’m just doing all that I can as far as learning about and pursuing these opportunities to make some extra income without having to leave my home and baby, and having faith in Christ. Robert had some testing tomorrow for a job with the post office and few possible opportunities through a colleague of his. I know something will come out of all this if we are just faithful and obedient. So that's that’s what we’ll do. At least I know that’s what I’ll do. I can’t really speak for him on this.
I really need to go to sleep now. I’ve been up way too late lately. I realize very much that I need to control this addiction I have of spending so much time on the Internet… especially with the blogs and BFL tracker! I need to be more productive! But in the spirit of focusing on progress and strengths I am doing much better as a person and liking who I am so much more than a mere couple of weeks ago!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

It was an ok day today. I didn’t get up early enough of plan for a sitter for Baily to do my workout first thing this morning since Robert goes into work at 5am on Fridays and Saturdays. So when I woke up I got to feed and change and clean up my baby. After she took a little nap, Cande said she would watch Baily so I went to the library and then worked out. While I was at the library I ran into Haylee Moore… the second time I’ve run into her there. Anyway, we scheduled for me to come by her place on Tuesday so she can talk to me about Pampered Chef. It seems like it could possible be a good opportunity but I’m just not sure if it’s something I want to do because I hate selling people stuff… especially my friends and family. But we’ll see how it goes. I had an AMAZING UBWO. I really tried to make it a mentally focused workout and man did that make all the difference. I definitely, truly hit my 10’s. It felt sooo good. The rest of the day I tended to my sweet baby. She’s starting to get sick. She was starting to get warm throughout the day and her temp was 101 tonight. I really hope she’s not coming down with something bad. There’s nothing worse than having a sick baby. I spent all day pretty much holding her while she dozed off and on. Poor baby. The only thing productive I did today was eat my planned healthy meals which I feel great about. I took advantage of the downtime though and watched some tube. It was kinda nice… mostly the part of just bonding and snuggling with my baby. She’s the best! Oh and I got called from the transcript express work from home place today too. I’m supposed to go in next Wednesday morning to take a typing test and go over a sort of orientation thing. We’ll see how it goes. I’m really going to need to practice my typing because right now I’m at about 58 net words per minute and I’m supposed to be at about 60… and I told the lady I do 65. Yikes! And then my cousin Becca called me tonight and asked if I’d be willing to watch her kids while she’s out of town next week with her husband and her mom, my aunt, is working. She offered to pay me $100. I hate to take it and even told her she didn’t need to pay me, but she insisted. I’m so grateful for that. I’ve decided that I’m going to use that money all for tithing. I’ve been praying for opportunities to get fully caught up on our tithing so we can have the blessings that we so badly need from paying our tithing. And then all three of these opportunities happened today. I have such a strong testimony of answer to prayer and today was just another witness to that testimony. Tomorrow’s going to be busy. I have my cousin’s baby shower and Robert goes to work early again so I will be on my own with finding the right time to work out. I think Cande will be willing to watch her for about ½ an hour though. I just hope my baby doesn’t get really sick and that she’s just got a little bug or a tooth coming in. I hate it when she feels yucky!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Today was up and down for me. I woke up later than planned, but I still went and did my HIIT and it was awesome! I planned on doing the elliptical trainer but I did the treadmill instead. I actually felt like running and like that would give me more of a burn. And boy did it! It felt so good. I was panting and breathing so hard that the little old people were looking at me like I was about to have a heart attack. And my eating was perfect again today. I realized that one of the huge benefits of eating healthy is that I’m teaching my daughter to be healthy and exposing her to a wide range of healthy foods while she’s so young. She always wants to eat what I’m eating and I get so excited when she likes to eat things like tropical tuna sandwich, oatmeal, egg whites, oranges, apples, broccoli. I know it’s making such a difference to start her eating healthy so young. And it really makes me want to pat myself on the back for being a good mom. Another benefit is that I feel so great. I just feel like my insides are clean. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I feel really energized and satisfied.
I was late to Institute, but I’m so glad I went. It was wonderful. We learned about the government and organization of the Church, about family councils and about Zion and how we can establish it in our own home. I felt inspired to strive to start having family councils with Robert and especially when our family grows over the years. What a blessing to have that guidance. I never really even thought about having them. I also felt so touched by the quote by Spencer W. Kimball on how to establish Zion in our home. There were three steps and summed up they are: 1- don’t be selfish, 2- be one in purpose and heart and 3- be willing to sacrifice all that you have and are. These really made me think. I have a weakness with being selfish, I think ,and I really want to overcome that. And I realized I need to be more connected with Robert and communicate with him more about our lives and family goals and desires. We don’t really talk about that kind of stuff very often. And the third one really hit me hard. I felt like in a sense I have accomplished this point in that by me not working to stay home with Baily, we’re sacrificing a lot of extra income. But the blessing far succeeds the sacrifice. I think I need to be more supportive of my husband by being willing to sacrifice even more luxuries I might enjoy so he’s not so stressed about providing for the needs of our family. I also felt that as far as living with my in-laws at the time, I need to sacrifice some of my comfort by letting go of my bitterness and anger so that we may have the Spirit stronger in our home. I guess it means that I’m going to have to not sweat the small stuff or maybe even big stuff. I got so irritated today and just broke down because I really don’t like our living situation. But after talking to some of my wonderful family members- Beau, my dad, my mom and of course Robert, I’ve realized that I’m only going to have to live here a little while longer. I just need to endure faithfully and trust in the Lord with all my heart that He will take care of us and our needs as long as we’re doing our best to be obedient to His commandments and live righteously. So that’s what I need to focus on- obeying the commandments and living righteously (that means having charity for all no matter what- no matter how badly I feel I’ve been treated or taken advantage of). These things are what I need to focus on and not how uncomfortable or unhappy I’m choosing to be right now. I need to focus on my blessings which are so very many. I have the best husband and the most beautiful baby girl ever. We are all healthy and have all that we need and more. I live in a land full of freedom and liberty and without poverty or warfare or natural disaster. I live in a home and have transportation, food to eat, clothes to wear, music to listen to, anything I want to entertain me, beautiful music to listen to. I could go on for hours. So shame on me for being down and choosing to be bitter and frustrated. I’m going to live like I’m grateful for my blessings instead of ungrateful and selfish. I’m going to focus more on the happiness of others instead of poor little old me. And on a happy note, Robert suggested getting a car title loan so we could move into a rental house earlier than we planned and just using our tax refund to pay it off. That makes me so excited to think that we could possible move out so soon. Hopefully Robert will get a better paying job soon. We need the money so badly. But once again, I just need to have faith. We need to get our tithing caught up. I know that’s what’s hurting us. We’re so behind and it’s just eating at me. We need those blessings so badly! Thank heavens for repentance!

I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. As I was making my menu for next week, I was planning what I wanted to eat on Sunday for my free day. I was so shocked with myself because I had the hardest time deciding on what I really wanted and couldn’t really think of anything I’m craving. That is such a big accomplishment for me because on my previous attempts at this challenge I always just cannot wait for free day. I ache for it. Now I’m excited for it, but it’s not even that big of a deal. Wahoo! My life is changing and getting better. And I’m liking myself more and more… in a humble sort of way of course!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

She loooves peanut butter. She loves to share it too!

She's so proud to be walking. My baby's getting to be a big girl!
Could she possibly be any more adorable?
Today was another very successful day with BFL. I ate perfectly clean, although I should probably start working better with controlling my portion sizes. I think they may be a little too big. I was very proud of myself because my cousin Becca took me out to lunch today to Schlotzky’s Deli and even though I wanted to eat the "ultimate" sandwich which consisted of every kind of meat and cheese available, and chips and a cookie and a Dr. Pepper and some of Baily’s pizza, I totally resisted and ate a low-fat turkey sandwich with only mustard and lettuce on wheat… the small version. That took a lot of will power and self-control on my part which is why I was so proud of myself. I had a lot of fun with Becca and her two little ones. She is probably my favorite cousin. She has been such a blessing to me. I love her so much. She has totally helped eased the pain of my mom being gone. I don’t think I would be sane without her. She’s an amazing person! After I got home I did laundry and cleaning. I spent a lot of quality time with Baily which is why I don’t feel guilty at all for not getting much more accomplished today. She’s my priority. She was walking so well tonight. I figured out the trick is to bribe her with food and to stand her against something stable and then have her walk to me. She did it tons of times tonight. She also discovered my drawer full of sunglasses today and she had a blast with them. The littlest things amuse her. I put some pink ones on her and she was too cute. Sometimes my heart hurts from loving her so much. I’m still on track with all my goals which I feel so great about. I’m really starting to already feel better about myself and just feel well in general. I feel more healthy and energized and have a greater love of who I am. Tomorrow should be a good day. I have institute in the morning which I love… it makes me feel good to use my brain and learn- especially about the gospel. We’re studying the Doctrine & Covenants and Church History which I love. Then I have an Enrichment Activity tomorrow night which is always fun. I love the sisters in my ward so much. I truly feel like I’m with a bunch of my sisters hanging out when I’m at an Enrichment Activity. Life is good… life is good!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Today was an ok day. I did perfectly with BFL. I had an amazing cardio work-out in which I totally hit my high point right on. I think I may have even overdone it a little. I felt a little nauseous afterward. But I ate perfectly clean all day and felt good about it. I think today I started going through my caffeine withdrawals from no Dr. Pepper because I had a big headache all day and was extremely tired and exhausted. I didn’t get much accomplished and wasn’t very productive, but I did enjoy my time with Baily today and kept all my goals for the day. So good job to me for keeping my goals and doing 100% on my BFL and here’s to tomorrow where I will have the same accomplishments and be more productive!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Body-for-LIFE Day One

Today was a very good day. Day one of my BFL challenge was slammin’! I feel so much better physically and it feels great to feel my muscles under all this fat. I know that’s coming from my work-out this morning. I felt much more energized today. I did wake up a lot later than I wanted to but I still did everything well. We were able to get some bills payed today and I was still able to get groceries. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to get any since we’re so broke and that I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge since I couldn’t get food. But I did and I’m so excited to be moving forward. The easy part of starting is done so now I need to just put my shoulder to the wheel and push hard! I need to stay motivated and I did good making sure that was a priority by watching 15 minutes of the Body Of Work movie. That always motivates me so much. I got quite a bit accomplished today and feel really good about myself. I need to enjoy this high right now because I know there will be lows. I really need to focus more on the charity and letting go of the bitterness that I’m holding onto because it’s eating at me. I hate the contention that’s in my home and I know I’m a big part of contributing to it. Other than that, life is good and I’m doing better… I feel like I’m a better person today than I was yesterday which is what really matters. Oh, and I only spent $71 on groceries today. Yay me! My limit was $75 and I price matched like crazy at Wal-Mart and resisted so many impulse purchases that I wanted to buy. That’s a huge success for me!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

It has been a very good Sabbath day. I felt so blessed and so grateful to be able to take the Sacrament today. I felt clean and pure and forgiven of sins I’ve committed over the past week. I’m so very grateful to be able to have the blessing of the sacrament and what a wonderful ordinance it is. Relief Society was great. Baily went with Robert during Priesthood so I got to sit and listen quietly. It was really nice. The lesson was about temples and it was beautiful. The Spirit was so strong. The temple is an especially emotional topic with me because of how sacred I hold it and how much I loooove the temple. Oh how I love the temple! Then I had the opportunity to visit teach one of our sisters today. I love visiting teaching. I love the sisters we visit teach and I love my companion. It truly is such a blessing from Heavenly Father. And I felt good today because I finally followed through on a fast. That is such a hard thing for me. After Robert realized how much we owe on bills I was really worried about how mad he would be. So as he was gone to pay for a loan extention, I was thinking of ways to defend myself and of an argument we might have. But my sweet husband is so patient and wonderful. When he got home he was whistling and smiling and we talked calmly and free of contention about what we need to do to get caught up and to get through these strugglings. Then we read our scriptures together and he read his Patriarchal Blessing to me which was totally something I needed to hear. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I’m so very blessed to be his wife. I love him so, so much. We then prayed and the Spirit was so strong during that prayer. I feel like we really grew in our marriage tonight. How grateful I am to have the gospel in my life and for the guidance and commandments it offers. I don’t think I could be successful in marriage without it.

I’m really looking forward to starting the Body-for-LIFE program tomorrow… again. I really, honestly feel that I have the motivation this time to actually complete the 12 week challenge. I need to do so so very badly. I’m so overweight and extremely unhappy about my physical appearance. And I need to be healthy for myself and for my family. I owe it to them to be the best that I can be. I want this so bad! I feel good going into next week. I got a lot accomplished today and I feel prepared to accomplish the goals I have set for next week. My biggest challenge is going to be getting up early enough to work-out and keep my eating times on track. And I also need to focus on not being lazy and wasting time on the internet or watching t.v. Another goal I have for myself is not to spend any money at all… with the exception of groceries tomorrow and the bills we have to pay. This is going to be such a struggle as spending money is a serious weakness I have. But I need to overcome it because not only is it hurting us financially, but it’s something I really hate about myself. So in accordance with trying to better myself and be happy with who I am, I really need to work on overcoming this weakness. I’m going to go to bed now so I can have a great day tomorrow.
I feel good today! I wasn't one hundred percent on all my goals but I can honestly say that I tried hard and I'm happy with what goals I did keep and my accomplishments today. And you know what? It feels really good to rejoice in my accomplishments instead of dwell on what I didn't do or accomplish. I think I'm going to stick to this way of thinking and life! It's hard because I'm such a perfectionist and I have this warped way of thinking that it's all or nothing and if I'm not perfect at something than it's not worth it. Pardon the bad slang, but screw that! I'm on a journey to love and be happy with who I am, which is not perfect, so I'm going to continue on focusing on what I do well and what I can do better. So today I did great with the personal goal, I made a conscious effort to try harder to have more charity, I'm doing my journal right now, I knelt first thing this morning in sincere prayer and will do so tonight before I go to sleep, and I only had one Dr. Pepper. I really wanted more but I stopped myself there. So tomorrow I will do better with working harder on having more charity-with my SIL in particular, I will let myself have only one Dr. P as I'm starting BFL Monday and want to allow myself one more taste before the challenge, and will accomplish all the other goals 100% as I did today. As for couple goals, we at least had prayer together- we didn't read since Robert was extremely and rightfully tired, we went on a partial date- or at least made an effort to have about 15 minutes alone together. I need to sit down tomorrow with Robert and really talk to him about our tithing and financial situation. So it was a good day today. Tomorrow will be great. I'm really going to try hard to keep the Sabbath holy tomorrow and really rest.

I got to talk to my mom today which is always great. She sounds so great and is doing very well. I miss her so, so much. She's in prison right now for something she didn't do. That's a looong story. But every time I talk to her or read one of her letters I realize how much this is something that was supposed to happen. I've never seen my mom so spiritually, emotionally or physically stronger in my life. She has grown into such an amazing woman- not that she wasn't before, but she's really reaching her full potential. Man how I miss her! She truly is one of my very best friends!

My baby girl is getting braver and walking a couple more steps. I say two weeks and she'll be walking all over the place. She's so much fun right now. I can't get enough of her. She has to be the cutest baby ever! My favorite is when I'm putting her to sleep and she just caresses my face or my arm. Those tender touches are priceless! Oh and I looove when she hugs my face and showers me with kisses. How can I not be happy when I get to spend my days with such a precious treasure?

Robert was so busy today. Poor guy. He had to get up at 4:30 for work and then when he got home he had to go help his sister and family again with moving. It probably wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so tired and it wasn't like an hour distance inbetween where they're moving. They moved out to Queen Creek. They're renting a house out there. I finally got to go see it tonight. It's a really nice little house. I must say I'm quite jealous. I cannot wait to get out of this house and into our own place. I'm going crazy living here. I'm harboring so much bitterness toward Robert's brother and sister right now because they are taking so much advantage of us. I'm just biding my time. Hopefully we'll be out soon! I cannot wait to be in our own place and for my brother to be renting a room for us. It will be so good for me to have some of my own family to be around. He's truly another one of my very best friends. I have the best family ever!

Wow I can ramble on a lot. Not that anyone's going to read this... I'm mainly doing this for myself but it is nice to think that someone else might be somewhat interested in my little old life! Ciao for now!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

A Fresh Start
Here's the deal... no matter how humiliating it is to keep posting that I'm going to have a fresh start, my own personal "new year," and not follow through on it, I'm going to keep trying. One of these times I will succeed. But as I've been thinking about this bright idea to start over with my goals I've realized that I've missed out on a lot of living my life. I miss out because I'm always putting it off for my new start, for the new me. It's obvious that I'm never going to be perfect... at least not here on this earth in this time of my existence. So while yes, I am going to try again to have a fresh start, I'm not going to quit trying if... no when, I mess up and wait to start until the next Monday or holiday. This past week has been a hard one for me. Not because of anything in my life in general, but within myself. I made some very wrong choices that have almost led me back into some of my worst, soul-devastating habits. I've been so close to going back to a habit and lifestyle that I've sworn and promised and covenanted I would never go back to. As I've thought about how close I came to making these horrible mistakes, I have realized that I'm in major need of being converted again. Somewhere along the line since going through the temple in June I've lost something... a spiritual thing. And I've also realized that I've let myself go in almost all aspects of my life. In fact, I'm not really sure if I ever was "going" in the first place. I know I'm not making a lot of sense but I'm having a really hard time expressing these particular feelings I'm having. What I mean by saying I was never really "going" in the first place, is that I've never really been particulary happy with myself. I'm not saying I've never been happy with myself or have had nothing but hard times in my life. I'm saying that I've never been at a point in my life where I've felt like I am truly happy with who I am and where I'm going in my life. There's always been something about myself that I've hated... whether it be my physical body, my attitude, my weaknesses, my bad habits, the way I feel about others at times, the choices I've made. I know that I will never be perfect and I will always have weaknesses so the question is... how can I be happy with who I am despite all these insecurites I have about myself. I've been thinking about this the last couple of days as I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this new fresh start tomorrow... or I should say today, 9/9/06 (nine's my favorite number, which is why I chose this day to be my "fresh start" day), and how I was going to make this fresh start stick unlike all the other attempts, I've come to a couple of conclusions. First, I need to really understand and feel that I am truly a daughter of Heavenly Father and that He loves me. As a daughter of him, I have divinity in me. The potential is within me. I need to understand that I'm worth everything good- that I am a good person. I need to understand that the times when I feel worthless and like a failure and loser... those are all lies coming from Satan. I am a loved daughter of Deity! I have every right to be happy and have joy. Even when I fail time and time again, I'm not a failure unless I quit trying. Another crucial point I've realized is that I'm not alone and I need to rely on the help of my Savior to reach my ultimate potential- to be the person I want to be and know deep down that I am. So realizing all these things... that I've heard millions of times but am actually starting to finally get it... is great. But I need to do something about it now. I need to take action to improve my life because I'm just not happy with who I am and that's no good. So my first and foremost priority, or resolution/goal, is to pray every single day- to get on my knees and pray first thing in the morning and the last thing I do at night. And I'm going to be diligent at making sure they're personal, sincere prayers. I know this is already been a goal I've had for sometime but I've really come to see how truly important it is. The other goals I have but won't get so in depth about, are to once and for all quit drinking soda, to type or write in my journal every day possible, one that's too personal to write about publicly but extremely important nonethess, and to work on having more charity for everyone. Sound familiar? As far as goals with my husband, I can only do my best by being the first to suggest we do the goals, which are the same as before. So what's going to make the difference this time? It's all about prayer, self-discilpline and determination. And really thinking and pondering the things I've mentioned will help me to have a reason to follow through. And also knowing that I will fail, but it's ok. I won't give up but just go at it the next day. So instead of saying here's to a perfect fresh start, I say- here's to a fresh start journey!