Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Not much goin' on...

Since I've made a goal to blog/journal every day to get in the habit I'm gonna go ahead and make a post even though there's not much to really report.

I made an exciting new discovery the other day at the store- Mighty Magic Popsicle MINIS. They're awesome because they're so tiny that they don't really make mess and they are long lasting which means that you can't really bite into them- you have to suck them until they're gone. They're perfect for little ones that bug you to have pops (that's what Baily calls popsicles) all day. I highly recommend them!

Yesterday I just mostly did laundry and picked up. I tried to get caught up in my scripture reading but didn't quite get there. But I feel good that at least I read. I'm to 3 Nephi 29 and my goal is to be done by August 8th. I'm like 16 chapters behind. I plan on getting caught up today. I originally started reading a while ago and my finish goal date keeps getting pushed back from May. Naughty I know. But I will finish on time this time.

Last night after dinner we took a nice walk. It was all cloudy and a little sprinkly. We didn't get much rain yesterday, just a drizzle. But it was still nice. I love this overcast weather.

I know dreams are usually weirder or more intense when you're pregnant. I usually don't mind them when they're funny or silly or sexy:):):), but last night was insane. I was dreaming that me, Baily and my brother Beau were at some weird zoo that has 3 phases to visit and we were in the 2nd phase. Well it sucked. Think of all the ugly, scary animals from every zoo- including the reptiles and bugs and spiders, and they were in this phase. And for some reason all these animals aren't caged up and in order to get through the phase you have to spend the night in this area. By the way it's all one enlcosed area. So we were in our room trying to sleep and all the sudden out of the bed come these annoying little cats (I HATE cats) clawing at us. So we kick them and they turn into these little balls and just start rolling around in our rooms. Then came the bugs. As if I'm not itchy enough with my stupid rash/infection, I was miserable last night. What the heck was that all about? I better have some good dreams coming up to make up for that sucky one!

We have our big ultrasound appointment today which should be fun. It's the one where they do all the measuring and stuff to make sure he's all good. I'm excited about that. The little guy is starting to get so active. I love it! I'm starting to get more excited and less worried as the days go by. And tonight's one of my favorite tv shows... like the only I watch in the summer, "So You Think You Can Dance." I'm still bummed that my favorite girl got voted off last week- Jamie, but oh well. I just love the dancing. The Youtube video is my favorite dance from the season so far. It gives me goosebumps and brings me to tears every time. Wade Robson, my favorite all-time choreographer, choreographed this dance. Isn't it amazing! I should've been a dancer!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Deep Stuff and Not So Deep Stuff

***Disclaimer*** (See disclaimer to the left.)

So I couldn't sleep Sunday night. I didn't feel like reading since I basically read my brains out last week in my hurry to finish the Harry Potter book. I ended up reading blogs all night. I was also starving. What I was craving was a cheeseburger and large onion rings and a large Dr. Pepper from Burger King . But with much deliberation and determination I resisted the temptation to go there at midnight that night... even though technically it was not Sunday anymore. But I was still starving so I ate something really stupid.
And then I drank it with something even more stupid. Nice, huh?And I wonder why I had such a hard time falling asleep that night. But eating those cheetos has started me on a flamin' hot cheetos kick. I woke up craving them yesterday morning and since I don't have a car when Robert's at work I went out in the awful heat with Baily in her stroller and walked to the store to get some flamin' hot cheetos. I really need to improve my health habits... or health-less habits I should say. I did get some grapes and apples though as well which I will eat because I do love fresh fruit. Hey that's better than nothing! But seriously if my son is unhealthy and sick I have no one to blame but myself! I need to get on the ball!

Ok... onto some deeper stuff. I got a letter from my mom yesterday that had some stuff in it I really needed to read. For those who don't know my mom is in Utah State Prison right now. She's been there for almost 2 years, since 3 days before Baily was born. She's there on a plea of no contest for fraud and murder. Before anyone freaks out, she absolutely did not murder anyone. I know this without a doubt in my mind. She's in prison for something she did not do. Anyway this has definitely been one of the biggest trials in my life. She's my very best friend and I cannot even begin to explain how much I miss her. I wrote her a letter two weeks ago after not writing her for like 6 weeks trying to explain some of the hard things I've been going through. Before I wrote her I got a letter from her explaining how hurt she was that I had not written and that killed me. I knew that she was hurt and I have been feeling guilty for so long about it. In the letter I wrote her I explained how the previous two months or so were very dark times for me. Well it would be easier to just post some of the letter:
"I’ve been in a pretty dark place for a while now and am just starting to feel better. Sadly you’re not the only one I’ve been neglecting. Up until a couple days before we left on vacation I haven’t done jack crap. No cleaning, cooking, giving my daughter attention... nothing. I hesitate in telling you or anyone for that matter that I’ve been depressed because I struggle with accepting it. I feel like if I could just control my mind and actions better I would not be dealing with such depression. I don’t know if any of this makes sense- it doesn’t even make sense to me in my mind. Anyway, while I’ve been feeling depressed part of it is being angry and mad at the world. While I wasn’t mad at you I’ve been very mad at the situation. And I hesitate even now in telling you this. I do not want you to feel guilty for anything which is why I hate telling you this. But I feel I owe you an honest explanation. I’ve been so down and feel so lonely because no matter how many people I have that love and support me none of them are you and I can’t talk to anyone like I can with you. No one understands me like you do. And I know that is because I am so much like you." "I just miss and need you so much and I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. "I get mad at myself because I know what will help- the simple things such as daily diligent prayer and scripture study, and yet I don’t do them. Why is that? Why am I so stupid sometimes? Why is it so hard? And then I get in this cycle of being unproductive and hating myself and feeling guilty for it. And I get mad when anyone helps, like if Robert folds the laundry even though it’s been sitting there for like 3 days or if Cande does the dishes and so on and so forth. It’s so stupid. It’s like I can see myself and how dumb I’m being but at the same time I can’t control myself. Does any of this make sense to you? Satan is horrible, horrible being and he’s so smart. He knows me all too well. I am happy to say that I am honestly doing much better and I know it’s because of those simple things as prayer and scripture study. I’m so ashamed when I get like this and yet it keeps happening... like every couple months I go through this depression thing. It’s so annoying. I know I should probably get help but once I get through my "spout"(sp?) I feel like I don’t need it and I can control it and prevent it from happening again. It’s embarrassing and shameful to even talk to you about it let alone anyone else. I’m pretty sure it’s a chemical thing but that’s so hard for me to accept- I feel like I’m putting blame somewhere else when I should take full blame. When I’m not going through these phases I love life and for the most part I feel pretty good about myself. I feel like I get a lot accomplished and am productive and useful to the world. But when I am going through these cycles I feel so worthless, angry and guilty because it effects everyone around me."
Ok so that's some very personal stuff but I really have come to realize that I'm not the only one who may be going through this sort of stuff and if I keep trying to hide it then how can I know how to talk to for this. Anyway, my mom's letter was perfect. She explained that her mom and as well as herself have suffered with depression and it's an illness just like cancer or other types of diseases. She explained that sometimes in the Church you feel like if you just do everything right like pray and read your scriptures, pay tithing, go to Church and stuff like that you can "cure" yourself. She said that you wouldn't expect to "cure" yourself from cancer by just living right. Of course it helps but the prayers can lead you to medical help, which is a gift from Heavenly Father, and I shouldn't feel guilty or wrong or ashamed because I suffer with this. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It's really helped me feel like there's nothing wrong about me, I just need help and I shouldn't be ashamed about it. I feel motivated to get the help I need and move on instead of being stuck in this horrible cycle of being depressed, getting in a rut, not progressing, feeling better and so on and so forth. It's like a huge, huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Alright... enough of that. She also sent the cutest little picture she made- a wanted poster for Baily. I don't know if you can read it that well but I was cracking up. My mom is so creative that way. I do know that my mom, although there innocently, is where she is for a reason and I know that part of the reason is the changes I've seen her make and the different person she's become. Me as long as many other family and friends have been praying for her to "come back to the fold" for as long as I can remember. She's now one of the most spiritually strong people I know. She has an amazing testimony and it really shows. I cannot wait until she comes home. It's going to be wonderful! I love her with all my heart!

Yesterday was a really good day with my Baily Bug. I don't know what was up with last week but she was naughty, naughty. She beat me up, she cried and threw major fits if I didn't give her every single thing she wanted and sometimes even if I did, she didn't listen to me at all. Since she's been such a good girl the past two days I can almost laugh at last week but last week I don't think there was one day I didn't cry. I would get so frustrated and not know what to do and end up yelling at her or smacking her hand, and then I would feel so horrible and guilty and like the worst mom on the planet. Then I would get on my knees and pray and start crying and that's about the only thing that got her to calm down. What a naughty girl huh? It's kind of funny now but man it was a rough week! Anyway yesterday was such a good day with her. She was like an angel baby. I'm sure it helped that I prayed my heart right after I woke up to please have a good day with her and not lose my patience. She had a good morning eating her grapes and apples and watching Pooh. There's a part in the Pooh movie where he does his morning exercises and she always does them and does this little dance in the part. It's so cute!

Another high point was the awesome storm we had yesterday. It totally rocked! I love rain storms. I saw the clouds coming but I thought they would just go around us like they usually do but nope... it hit us and hit us hard. It was so awesome!

Later last night Robert's family had a little birthday dinner for his sister Martha. We had El Pollo Loco and they wanted me to make another cheesecake so we had that for dessert. It was some good eatin'! Her birthday isn't actually until tomorrow but last night was easier for everyone to celebrate it.

Robert had to work overtime yesterday and today he has to as well. Well he was supposed to get off around 5:30 so he should've been home around 6ish. Well when it was 7:15 and he still wasn't home and I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone you can imagine that I was pretty worried. When he called to tell me that he was still at work I was so mad at him. I told him he should have at least called. He didn't get home until 8:30 and he was really apologetic when he got home and trying really hard to be super sweet. I was still mad at him and pretty much giving him the silent treatment. I don't recommend falling asleep mad at your husband. I had the worst dream last night that we broke up and I moved up to Utah. I remember just being heart-broken in my dream and missing him so much. I woke up this morning just wanting to hold and kiss him. So I guess that's my lesson learned. I hope he doesn't have to work so late tonight. I really miss him when he's not around in the evenings. And I really hope we get another storm today like we did yesterday.

Wow... sorry about the long post. I get a little carried away sometimes!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Happy Birthday Babe!

My super fine honey turned 30 today and I just want to take a minute to express my love and appreciation for the wonderful man that he is. I love him so, so, soooo much! Mwaaa!!

I didn't end up making him breakfast this morning because when I woke up it was already 10:45. Crazy huh? We missed Sacrament- I was so bummed. I really, really wanted to take the Sacrament today. But I am so glad we made it in time for the combined Relief Society/Priesthood meeting today. The focus was missionary work and Bro. Richardson made this amazing video where a bunch of converts from our ward talked about how they were introduced to the Church and became baptized. Every time I hear a conversion story it just tugs at my heartstrings so of course I was crying through the whole video. I didn't even know half the people that were in the video were converts. It was so neat to hear their stories because they were people I knew and it really motivated me to be a better missionary. Most of them were somehow touched by an example or invitation by a member of the Church. It really made me think about how many people I know or might have an influence on and also about opportunities I may have missed because I wasn't living my best and spiritually prepared. Anyway it was a good motivator and I'm really excited to be a better missionary. I have this book.. and I'm really excited to learn from it.

After Church I got to go visit teach Sis. Campbell with my partner Jennifer. It was a good visit. I really do love both these sisters. I learn so much from them and I am truly grateful for the Visiting Teaching program. As soon as I got home from there Gerald and Rachelle were over and I put together dinner real fast and we had a nice dinner together. We had Robert's boring favorite spaghetti and garlic bread and a strawberry cheesecake for dessert. After we ate and they left I dropped off a cheesecake to Marta and then Robert, Baily and I went for a walk. It was hot but always nice to go on a walk with my family. So besides my hormones going crazy and resulting in moodiness that I couldn't control (poor Robert and Baily), it was a nice Sunday. I'm looking forward to the coming week and the start of a fresh new month. I have a lot I need to work on personally. I love the idea of a fresh new week and month. 'Till next time!

Before I forget to mention it... We're having a BOY!!! And we're so super excited!

Busy, Fun Day

I had a fun day today. I got the haircut and even though I didn't think I was going to be able to go to the movies since I didn't have a sitter for Baily, my friends hooked me up and I was able to go. Monica volunteered her husband to watch Baily and he agreed which was so sweet of both of them. I was all depressed thinking I wouldn't be able to go so I'm glad it worked out. Baily seemed to have a fun time at the Richardson home playing with Rachel and I loooved the movie.
It was quite the tear jerker. It really made me appreciate the love and strong bond I have with my mom and my own daughter. It made me really think about how I can't take time with my loved ones for granted because you never know what's going to happen. I was also grateful to have some girlfriends to watch chick flicks with. Since my mom's been gone I've really missed having someone to do those kinds of things with. It's good to have good friends and I'm so grateful for them!

As soon as Baily and I got dropped off after the movie my step-dad and his wife came to pick us up and take us to dinner. Robert had to work overtime today which sucked so he couldn't join us. They took us to TGI Friday's which is not one of my favorites but it was pretty good. Rachelle really wanted to try the fried mac&cheese which I wasn't so sure about but it was actually pretty yummy. Baily loved it.
She also loved her mandarin oranges and chicken strips. I had blackened chicken alfredo which was pretty good but the best was the choclate brownie dessert thingy. It was sooo good. After dinner we went to Target where Baily got to be super spoiled by her Grandpa and Grandma. They got her lots of toys and a sandbox and big girl panties. We're gonna start potty training next week as long as her infection is cleared up. Anyway they also got her baby brother some adorable booties and a beanie and a onesie that says "Automatic Sprinkler!" I'm not so sure I'm ready for that part of a boy! It was nice to be treated to such a fun night.

After we got home and Robert got home from work and Baily stole some of her daddy's french fries- as soon as she hit the sack she passed out. She had such a fun busy day! Tomorrow's church and I'm excited to take the Sacrament. It's so refreshing. It's also Robert's official birthday. I'm thinking about making him one of his favorite breakfasts- my breakfast burritos. We'll see how early I wake up though. And out of all the different yummy meals I can make his birthday meal request is plain old spaghetti. What a dork! I guess he just loves my spaghetti. I'm also going to make him some strawberry cheesecake. It should be a good day!

Oh and before I forget... there's this really cool new website called Simpsonizeme where you can get yourself made into a Simpson character. Mine and Baily's didn't turn out well at all but Robert's is like exactly him. It's almost freaky. I couldn't believe how real it looked of him! Isn't that just crazy! Ha ha ha... Here's the link if any of you want it http://www.simpsonizeme.com/#

Saturday, July 28, 2007


I had a whole new post typed up yesterday and for some stupid reason like "technical difficulties" Blogger wouldn't let me post it. I was frustrated but ok since it saves your posts even if you don't post them. Well when I get on today... the post is missing! Urghhh!

Ok enough of the complaining. So due to constant, uh... pressure, from someone un-named (ahem, Malissa, ahem), about not posting regularly- I realized I better start posting again. I think I figured a way to get my pictures on without having to download them on my Kodak program (it's memory is full) so now I don't have any excuses. Let's try just to see if my picture will work...

Whattya know? It worked! Ok no more excuses Malissa... I'll get on the ball now.

By the way, the pic is of my new haircut. I must say that the picture just doesn't do it justice. I LOVE it! I feel so hip (I just sounded so old right now... lol). I've been trying to grow out my hair but I've realized what's the point if all I do is wash it then put it straight into a pony tail. It seriously took 30 to 45 minutes just to blow dry it and it was barely shoulder length. I don't have the time or the desire to spend that much time with a hot blow dryer. So I made the decision to finally chop it off after watching E News this morning and seeing Victoria Beckham with her adorable hair. I know I don't have the gorgeousness that she has but I decided to go for it anyway. When I told the hairdresser how I wanted it done she was a little hesitant at first because it's such a drastic change. It took her about 45 minutes because my hair is so thick. While she was cutting it she said she could understand why I would want to give myself an easier cut to handle. She couldn't believe how much hair I had and how thick it is. She was so cute... she was saying how this is probably the funnest cut she've ever done and how she was probably gonna have boring cuts to do for the rest of the day. She even dried and styled it for free because she wanted to play with it since it is such a fun and cute cut. I'm very happy with it!

There's so much I need to catch up and blog about but if I do that I probably will just keep putting it off so I guess I'm just gonna have to stick with the present. Last night we had a little party/get together for Robert's 30th birthday. It was at Barro's Pizza and I had some of his friends and family there as a surprise for him. I thought it went off pretty well. It was good food and good company and a lot of good laughs. I had a bit of a rough night after two of our friends from the ward showed up without me inviting them and I had to face them with them knowing they weren't invited. I felt so bad but they were in good humor about it... although I'm sure Beynon will never let me live it down. I should've taken more pictures than just Robert and his Transformers cake but I didn't. Oh well.

Today I get to go see "No Reservations" with some friends from the ward- Malissa and I think Monica and I don't know who else. It should be a good time. Like I said I have so much more I want to talk about but I think this is good for now. Ciao!