Friday, May 02, 2008

A fresh start.

Thursday May 1, 2008
I've just been so overwhelmed lately that instead of doing just what little I can do, I've done nothing. I've just shut off and quit. Not good. I've found that when I'm on, I am on. I'm a great mom, wife, sister... you name it. But when I'm not on... I'm a wreck. I completely shut down and exist in this horrible depression stage with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, frustration, and so on and so forth. Enough of that. I need to come to terms with the fact that I have a depression problem once and for all. Not just when I'm dealing with being depressed but all the time. I will go and get medical help and won't let this drag me down any more. With that being said, I woke up knowing it's May 1st and deciding it was going to a fresh new start for me. And it really ended up being a great fresh start day. First up, and most important, making sure I knelt in morning prayer. I MUST do this every day. I can't function without it. And even though I didn't do everything I wanted to get done in a timely fashion that would be ideal, I did accomplish the important things. I read my Book of Mormon, and not only read but studied and that felt really good. This is another thing I MUST do every day in order to function right. I read with a renewed commitment to be diligent like Nephi and read at least a chapter daily but try for 2 with a goal finish date of August 20th. I've been way too relaxed about this and I've suffered the consequences of not having my daily spiritul boost that's so badly needed. And the only other MUST on my list today was to enjoy time with my family- real quality time. And that felt great as well. I was bummed yesterday when I found out at the Dr.'s that because of a nasty viral infection I have I can't workout for 5 days. I was totally ticked off. Unfortunately, in my screwy mind, that means I took a break from my whole fitness routine- ie. eating right. Me being the comfort binge eater that I am, I got stressed and ended up finishing off my new favorite thing to hate, Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream. Warning** If you've never tried this- DON'T EVER TRY IT! It's dangerous. It should come with a warning label. Oh man... it is sooo good. I also indulged myself a little bit with some reading time which I love but never take time to do. I got this book The Alchemist yesterday at Barne's & Noble with my giftcard from Christmas (yeah I know) and since I've opened it up I can't put it down. Talk about some major wisdom and inspiration! It's a good one. Later on in the day after a lot of R&R (the anti-viral I'm on is really strong and makes me so tired), I took the kids to go enjoy the perfect weather outside while we waited for Robert to get home from work. It was gorgeous outside and for once we weren't attacked by bugs and mosquitos as soon as we got out there. It was so nice and refreshing. When Robert got home he came out and hung out with us, blowed some bubbles with Baily, and as simple as it was it was complete bliss. My kids were happy, we were enjoying quality family time in absolutely gorgeous weather and I just did my best to soak it all in. I love moments like that. Like I said, it was simple but I'll always try to remember the sweet nothing moment that it was. When we were done outside Baily and I went and got some Carl's Jr. for dinner and yum-o! Two words... guacamole burger! Mmmm... (Seriously, why can't I have a happy medium when it comes to my eating and fitness. Why does it have to be all or nothing with me?!) After we ate we watched another episode of Prison Break and man is it getting intense. Love it! It's really gripping. After that Robert watched Lost and I watched tidbits of it while reading my book. I'm behind an episode so I wasn't really into it. After these new shows I love I've kinda lost my love for Lost- sadly :( Then it was family scriptures and prayers. I love how into this Baily is getting. She gets her own little scripture reader when we're reading and takes her "turn" with reading and always say "Hendy Fadder and Shesus" and then whatever else happens to be on her mind. And then when it's time for prayer (and she does this at meal time prayers too) it's always her turn and she has to do it on her own. I love it! It's precious and it totally melts my heart. I even got my blogging done today which feels good and I'm gonna get my mom's letter done tonight before I crash since that's the biggest thing weighing on my mind right now. And thanks by the way to everyone who's been so supportive and offered so much great advice with all my venting. Love you guys! What a great, fresh new start kind of day!

366 Blessings:
#122- Baily and her daddy blowing bubbles in a perfect evening weather.


candace said...

Hey girl! I'd been wondering what happened to you! But seriously, no worries. I started a part-time job this week and I've been in Chandler doing that all week long. Today is my day of :) We'll see how long this pt job lasts, though, as they scheduled me to work Sunday and I have been them at least 3 times I can't work on Sundays. Ever. So I've tried contacting them about that and so we'll see. It IS just in retail, so I'm no worried about it.
Anyway - awesome post!! Sounds like a really awesome start to May :) Just let me know when you're thinking we can hang out - I'd still love to :)

Julie said...

Grat job on taking care of yourself!! Sometimes Mommy needs the Dr too. I grew up with a mom that suffered depression, when she finaly gave in and realized her body did not make the same chemicals that it needed and it nneded some help it was like havine a new person live with us, Routine and exersice are key and sounds like you are doing all three GREAT JOB!!!! Happy May for you and the Family

Andrea said...

I can totally relate to so much of this post. Truly! Hang in there. Listen to Carrie Underwood's "so small." It got to me today!! :)
SHUT UP about JONNY Q!!!!! Oh my gosh, I totally forgot about him! Where did that name even come from? Seriously? JONNY Q??

Emily Loria said...

Oh Sarah, you are strong to finally come to terms with your depression. I have major anxiety and sometimes need medication because it can swing into depression. Take care of yourself! ;) Happy thoughts!

Leslie said...

Hey Sarah,

Isn't it nice to be able to vent and get advice from others on things that we are dealing with? I hope that through blogging you are able to evaluate life and feel better. You are doing a great job and Satan can try to get you down but luckily you are stronger than him and can prevail! Keep your chin up and hang in there. Baby steps to every day right? And I'm totally with you on the Carl's Jr. burger that is my favorite! I wish it came in a junior size and about 1/2 the price. :o) hee hee

Let's go get a burger one of these days and we'll do some RS secretary training at the same time. :o)

Malissa said...

Happy fresh start for May...and good for you for taking care of yourself!! What a sweet day for you guys!! Please call me when you need to vent or ANYTHING!!!!!!

Ben & Theresa Willis said...

We love Prision Break too! We are waiting for season 3 to come out on DVD. We watched almost all of season 2 while we were at the hospital with Shaelynn.