Yesterday morning I recieved a text message with some sad news. Pres. Faust passed away. I will really miss him. Everytime he spoke I could feel his love for everyone and even for me. He was such a wonderful man. And I don't know if it is just because it was his last General Conference talk but his talk on forgiveness will always be the one I remember as my favorite talk of his. I left the link in case any of you haven't had the chance to read it yet. It's amazing and really shows his concern for the peacemindedness of the Saints. I love him dearly and will really miss him!
Yesterday was also payday which was an exciting thought... until I started paying bills and working out a budget. I got hit with a hard reality slap when I realized how broke we are. I knew it was going to be rough with me not working but for some reason it didn't fully process in my mind. Well it did yesterday. After I realized how broke we are I started to worry and stress and have all these doubts. The decision not to work is so hard. I feel it's absolutely my right and responsibility to be at home and be a full-time mom. We brought Baily into this world and it's our responsibility to raise her, not anyone else's. However, I really struggle with where do I draw the line. I know there are so many moms out there who work who are amazing moms. They love their kids as much as I do. I realize that sometime's there's no choice... moms have to work in order to provide for their families and survive. So I wonder if that's the category we're in. And when I try to accept that we are in this category it breaks my heart and I start feeling resentful. I think I've pretty much decided to pursue getting a job for a Police Department as an Emergency Dispatcher. I know I would be awesome at a job like that. But at the same time I only am willing to work the graveyard shift so I can be home with my babies during the day. This is such a hard decision and time for us. I am grateful though that I don't have to do it alone, that I have my husband and the Church and friends to provide support and wisdom to me. This morning I read two really good quotes that I got in my email from the LDS Gems. They were exactly what I needed to read.
"The great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the midst of the storms of life. It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage. And the tragedy of life is to fail in that test and so fail to qualify to return in glory to ourheavenly home. . . . "It will take unshakable faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to choose the way to eternal life. It is by using that faith we can know the will of God. It is by acting on that faith we build the strength to do the will of God. And it is by exercising that faith in Jesus Christ that we can resist temptation and gain forgiveness through theAtonement." Topics: purpose of life, trials, faith (Henry B. Eyring, "Spiritual Preparedness: Start Early and Be Steady," Ensign, Nov. 2005, 38)
"In October of 1998 Hurricane Mitch devastated many parts of Central America. President Gordon B. Hinckley was very concerned for the victims of this disaster, many of whom lost everything--food, clothing, and household goods. He visited the Saints in the cities of San Pedro Sula and Tegucigalpa, Honduras; and Managua, Nicaragua. And like the words of the loving prophet Elijah to a starving widow, this modern prophet's message in each city was similar--to sacrifice and be obedient to the law of tithing. "But how can you ask someone so destitute to sacrifice? President Hinckley knew that the food and clothing shipments they received would help them survive the crisis, but his concern and love for them went far beyond that. As important as humanitarian aid is, he knew that the most important assistance comes from God, not from man. The prophet wanted to help them unlock the windows of heaven as promised by theLord in the book of Malachi (see Malachi 3:10; Mosiah 2:24). "President Hinckley taught them that if they would pay their tithing, they would always have food on their tables, they would always have clothing on their backs, and they would always have a roof over their heads."
Tithing was something Robert and I struggled with for the first year and a half of marriage. It wasn't that we were spending money on luxuries, we were just so broke. We were lacking in faith, not good intentions. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Once we finally gained enough faith and made a commitment that no matter what we would always, always pay our tithing things have changed. We haven't been richer but things always seem to work out. We have never gone hungry or been left wanting for something that we need. It's still been tight but somehow we always pull through. So I felt a little comforted after reading those quotes and realizing that since we have been faithful in our tithing I should have faith that Heavenly Father will help us get through these hard financial times. As soon as I finished saying a prayer about all this I got a call from Maria. I used to baby-sit her baby girl Mya and stopped baby-sitting in June while they had some stuff going on. When she called she said that some of her plans had fallen through and asked if I wanted to start baby-sitting Mya again. I was so excited and so grateful. I also filled out my application for the Dispatcher job and made an appointment to take the typing test for it. And I actually feel pretty good about it. I feel like I should at least try and see what happens. Then after doing all I feel I can do, I can feel good about turning it over to the Lord and having enough faith and trust in Him that all will turn out right.
As soon as Robert got home from work I was ready to leave, get out of the house, go anywhere. Bryan and Andre (nephews) had been yelling and screaming and arguing about the X-Box (I really hate that thing), and Cande was frustrated understandably so she was yelling at them too and I had just had enough. So as soon as Robert got home and I told him I had to get out of the house for a little bit or I was going to go crazy we left. We ended up going to eat at Barro's Pizza. It was good food and nice to get out of the house and cool down a little bit.
We came home after that and just hung out. Martha took Cande and the boys back home so it was nice and quiet and peaceful. I called my Abuelita (Grandma Brown) and Tia Fran and had a nice long chat with them. Afterward we went outside and played around. It was a little warm but not too bad. I love my in-law family to death and am so grateful to be a part of their family, they truly help us out so much. But sometimes it's just nice to have some nice personal family time with no interruptions!