Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Owning Up


I have some confessions to make and owning up to do. It's more for myself to get it out and face my problems and weaknesses so that now I am more accountable and hopefully have a better success at overcoming them. I made a wrong choice this past week and have been feeling guilty and worried about it since I made the choice. As you know we had Baily's birthday party and birthday this last week. I had a budget all worked out but didn't account for the fact that we were out of everything and had so many groceries to get. Well I went over the budget on the grocery shopping by a lot. That left us with no money for Baily's birthday party and gifts. Instead of postponing the party or figuring something else out I used our tithing money. I have a huge weakness when it comes to controlling impulses and wanting the best for my baby. If it would've been me I could have said no problem and not had a party or gifts. It's so hard for me to say no and even though I'm not really depriving Baily of important necessities I feel bad about not giving her what the world, and me, say are normal- like birthday parties, nice gifts, more than 2 or 3 dresses and so on and so forth. I knew I made a wrong choice which makes it even worse. I have felt guilty ever since I went shopping for Baily's birthday and felt horrible at Church on Sunday. Being so financially poor and strapped is so hard for me. It's not that I want to buy all these luxuries, I just want to live comfortably and not have to sacrifice so much or have to get help from others. It's so hard with me not working and us not having much income. I know that I need to help to bring in that extra income but it breaks my heart to not be with Baily 100% of the time. It's one of the biggest struggles and trials I have. I've realized that when I'm using the Lord's money though it's time for me to just get the other job. And I know I've cheated myself out of those blessings that only come from paying honest tithing, like the blessing of peace of conscience. Even if we are broke I have peace of conscience that everything will work out somehow because I was faithful and obedient to the law of tithing. I lost that peace of conscience. We have been faithfully paying tithing since about February or March and I blew it this past week. I know I will not make this mistake again and am so grateful for repentance. I truly feel remorseful and like I said, I will never make this mistake again. I have written about this so that I will be able to look back on this and remember the guilt and to make sure I've learned my lesson. I'm not sure how we're going to make our money stretch this next pay period but I know we're paying our tithing first- this pay period and last's. It's humbling and humiliating to think about getting help but I don't know what else to do. Hopefully I get this job with Mesa PD and will be able to work graveyards so I don't have to leave my babies during the day. I appreciate any prayers in this area coming my way. I'm ashamed at what I've done but it feels good to get it out. I've prayed my heart out about this and expressed how sorry I am to my Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for the Atonement and His grace and mercy. There are other things that I don't want to post that I'm working on repenting about. I get so annoyed and frustrated with myself that some things are so hard for me to overcome. I feel exactly how Nephi feels in 2 Nephi 4. But I do want to say that I'm truly trying so hard to overcome my sins, addictions and weaknesses to become the best I can be. I'm so grateful I don't have to do it alone and that I always have His help. I truly do "stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me." Sorry for the personal stuff but like I said I feel so much better getting it out and holding myself more accountable this way.

1 comment:

collegegirl18 said...

Hey woman! Sounds like Bailey had a super fun party! Shes adorable as always! I really like your slide show of her on your blog. I totally remember the little easter dress. Especially when I was there when she got it and she came over, threw it at me, and walked away(: kids do the darndest things! love ya!