Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Battle Within


I have been debating about whether to post or not. I hate being negative and the fact that my last couple of posts have all been kind of downers really makes me not want to post about yesterday. However I try to be honest in every aspect of my life and I want this blog to be honest and sometimes life just sucks at times so here's my post. Sorry for the negativity!

Yesterday was very hard for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Yesterday was a huge day of battles being fought within myself. And I'm ashamed to admit that the bad side won most of the time. Once again I felt so drained and tired. I also felt a little nauseous and achy and just plain uncomfortable. Robert was home sick. Instead of trying to help him feel better and be supportive and loving to him I was very resentful. The good side of me knew that I should have helped him and shown my love and concern for him. The bad side told me why should I pay special attention to him when I never get special treatment when I'm sick. How come he gets to have a sick day and sleep all day when when I feel like crap oh well. I'm so ashamed to even write about this but hopefully by writing about it I can learn my lesson and realize how dumb I was when I look back on it. So instead of the good side win the battle I let the bad side win. And I know that I let it happen. As hard as it would have been to humble myself and choose the good side it was possible.

So as I was feeling guilty about that all day it ate me up. I was in a permanent bad mood and felt sorry for myself all day. This of course led me into not being productive at all. I finished reading King Benjamin's address on the tower yesterday and the last couple days that I was reading this part I felt so motivated to be righteous, and had no more disposition to do evil. I felt like I was there listening to him speak and I could relate to how the saints felt when they covenanted to take upon them the name of Christ and could see the nothingness of themselves. I truly felt enlightened anduplifted. But as soon as I close the book and get back to my life in the real world, where there's frustrations and struggles it's like I let the world in and push that Spirit out. Why do I do this? It's so frustrating! It's like I have everything good handed to me on a silver platter- like knowledge of the Atonement and repentance and where the source of peace and comfort come from, a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, answers to my every prayer, a loving husband and the best little girl ever, an eternal family... so many things. But then I go and sin and make wrong choices. Then there's the guilt and unfortunately that affects everyone around me. Ahhhh!!! Curse the carnal part of me. I know what Alma felt when he was in such exquisite remorse and pain because of his sins. But I also know how he changed through the Atonement of Christ and gives me hope every time I fall. Whenever I feel like I'm not even worthy to pray to Heavenly Father the only thing that helps is when I think of the love I have as a parent for my little girl and how there's nothing she could ever do that would change the love I have for her. I know I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and that He loves me perfectly. I'm so grateful for repentance and for my Savior who made possible the Atonement! Today is a new day and I will do better. I know that there is always going to be a battle for my soul- the battle within- the battle of right and wrong. I just need to decide now that I'm going to "Choose the Right" every time so I can spend less time deciding and more time serving in the kingdom like Neal A. Maxwell's quote says in the last Visiting Teaching message. I need to be of one heart and mind within myself and I know that's possible if I just choose the right and follow Christ- be more Christlike.
Ok... sorry for getting so deep and spiritual. I feel so much better getting all that out. There were other things I was frustrated and struggling with and had my feelings hurt about but I don't see any reason to get into those issues. I think I've posted enough of my issues to last a while- at least about the issues I need to learn and grow from. As far as yesterday's events the only thing we had planned was Andre's football game. They changed his position to a tackle guy when they have a kick-off so he at least got to play like 3 or 4 plays which is better than nothing at all. I'm still mad that they're not playing him at running back though because he's so good. Sadly the Toros were defeated again- for the 3rd time in a row. I hope they start doing better soon. It sucks losing all the time. Once again sorry for the downer of a post. I do feel better today though and since I don't have any kids to baby-sit that should be a nice break. Robert's home again today so I have a 2nd chance to be a better wife. I have a lot I need to get done so I better get crackin!

1 comment:

Becca said... I can totally relate to how you were feeling, been there. It seems because we're mom's we have to be everything for everybody and it can be physically,emotionally,mentally,
and spiritually exhausting. But yet when we get sick, life goes on as normal and there's no one there to offer any sympathy. But it's good you chose to see through it. I have a hard time with that!