Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I had a bad day.

I'm ashamed to be writing about my bad day yesterday after just blogging about my wonderful day on Sunday. I have no reason to have had the day like I did yesterday. I'm scared that my depression may be creeping back to me and I pray that I don't have to deal with it again. The reason I worry is because I felt almost out of control of how I felt and my emotions and I felt like at times I was looking at myself and seeing how I was acting but not being able to control it. If it continues, if I continue to feel like this, then I'm definitely gonna get help because my family doesn't deserve to deal with me being depressed and I deserve to feel better. I was finally able to get my house picked up (it was a disaster) and the tons and tons of laundry done that I had to do. I would think that would make me feel better since the messy house and tons of laundry were some of the things I was stressed about but it didn't. I'm not sure if Baily was being super naughty or my capacity to handle her and my lack of patience with her was the problem but I yelled at her a lot yesterday and I felt awful everytime I did. I found myself apologizing to her way too much. I don't care how naughty or rebellious she is, she doesn't deserve to be yelled at like I did. It breaks my heart to even be writing about it. The yelling is one of the things I felt was out of my control. I prayed my heart out to be able to control myself better and to have the patience to handle her. She wouldn't listen to a word I said, she was climbing and jumping on everything, she wouldn't nap even though I tried for 2 hours to get her to sleep and she was just fussy. Regardless of all this though I should have been more loving and patient with her. So on top of being frustrated with her I was feeling guilt for the way I yelled at her and mad at myself for being such a horrible mom. And there's also the financial stress. I'm so worried about me having to go back to work and that being the only way we're gonna make it and be able to finally get in our own home. I realize now that I need to have more faith and not fear. I was so glad for the day to be over. My sweet little girl fell asleep watching a movie in her room and when I went in to check on her and found her like this I just cried because she looked so sweet and I felt so awful. She deserves a better mom than I was. I know the only way I got through the day without completely losing it was prayer. Even though it was rough I know it could have been much worse. How do people survive without prayer? I just don't understand it. I'm just glad yesterday is over and behind me and I pray I never have a day like this again. I will try and put all my effort into controlling my anger and frustration and not yell at this sweet, sometimes naughty little girl. I have to be better.
366 Blessings:
#29- Prayer

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