Monday, October 29, 2007
Up and Down, Up and Down
Yesterday was definitely an emtional roller coaster for me. It started off great. It was just me and my hubby and baby girl... nice and quiet, uninterrupted and peaceful. It was nice to finally have Robert go to Church with us since he hasn't been for over a month because of work and being out of town and stuff. Baily was in a good mood so we were all in a good mood. Church was awesome. We got there early so we were able to take the Sacrament which is always refreshing and it was the Primary Program which I always love. Of course I was crying through most of it. The sweet children have such a strong spirit and are just so sweet. When they sang "Love is Spoken Here" it was all I could do to keep from sobbing. That was always my favorite hymn growing up and I remember always wishing I had that kind of home. I had a wonderful childhood that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world and the best parents ever. But I really missed the spiritual aspect of it and I remember thinking every time I heard this song that I was gonna have a family of my own some day like the one in the song. So when I heard this I realized that my family is far from perfect but it's pretty close to the description in the song and I just felt so overwhelmed with love and gratitude. Relief Society was great as well. The lesson was from Pres. Kimball's teachings and it was on marriage. Veronica gave a great lesson and there were some great discussions. I felt so much love and gratitude once again for my marriage and family. During Sunday School I got really tired for some reason and was really having trouble focusing on the lesson. So I read my normal reading in the Book of Mormon. I'm in the part about Moroni and the 2,000 stripling warriors and I love it. They were so faithful. So even though I didn't learn much from the lesson I still got a good spiritual boost. After we got home I had to go visiting teaching and I was looking forward to coming home and having a nice, easy dinner and some good quality family time... just us. Visiting teaching went well... I really do love my sisters. They're such great examples to me and I just love them so much. After I got home I got started on making spaghetti, at Robert's request. I have a feeling I'm going to be making this for dinner a lot more often these next couple weeks since it's so easy and good. As I was making it Robert got a call that his sister's van broke down so he had to go help them. They were way out in Fountain Hills. He ended up being gone for over an hour and a half so me and Baily ate by ourselves. I wasn't mad that he had to go help his sister. I totally understand how car problems happen and you need help... it's happened to us many times and I know his family would help us in a heartbeat. It was just the icing on the cake for me to tip me off into major frustration. Again... I understand they needed help and I'm so glad I have such a wonderful, helping husband who's so willing to be there for his family. It's just hard for me when I can't even get 24 hours of my own personal family time. Our living situation is so hard for me. We can't have conversations or personal time without being interrupted somehow. I know it will be better for everyone once we have our own place. It's just a matter of finding the strength to get through these next couple of months until we can actually get into a place of our own. I know I was even more emotional than I would have been because my hormones were going crazy. And I feel awful because I know my husband thinks I was mad at him for simply helping his family out which I wasn't at all. It's just so hard for me sometimes and when it catches up to me I don't know how to handle it. I've got to get better at controlling my emotions and having some strict self-discipline... not just for me but for my poor family. I can't deal with the crap I'm putting them through and then the guilt I feel afterward. As I was praying this morning for help I had this strong impression that Heavenly Father must love me and have a lot of trust in me to be around so many people that need help and service. I need to live up to that trust from Him and I'm not doing it all right now. Things have got to change. I must change. I must be better. Sorry for the venting and the deep post but like I always say... I must be honest.