Today was an ok day. I did perfectly with BFL. I had an amazing cardio work-out in which I totally hit my high point right on. I think I may have even overdone it a little. I felt a little nauseous afterward. But I ate perfectly clean all day and felt good about it. I think today I started going through my caffeine withdrawals from no Dr. Pepper because I had a big headache all day and was extremely tired and exhausted. I didn’t get much accomplished and wasn’t very productive, but I did enjoy my time with Baily today and kept all my goals for the day. So good job to me for keeping my goals and doing 100% on my BFL and here’s to tomorrow where I will have the same accomplishments and be more productive!

Body-for-LIFE Day One

Today was a very good day. Day one of my BFL challenge was slammin’! I feel so much better physically and it feels great to feel my muscles under all this fat. I know that’s coming from my work-out this morning. I felt much more energized today. I did wake up a lot later than I wanted to but I still did everything well. We were able to get some bills payed today and I was still able to get groceries. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to get any since we’re so broke and that I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge since I couldn’t get food. But I did and I’m so excited to be moving forward. The easy part of starting is done so now I need to just put my shoulder to the wheel and push hard! I need to stay motivated and I did good making sure that was a priority by watching 15 minutes of the Body Of Work movie. That always motivates me so much. I got quite a bit accomplished today and feel really good about myself. I need to enjoy this high right now because I know there will be lows. I really need to focus more on the charity and letting go of the bitterness that I’m holding onto because it’s eating at me. I hate the contention that’s in my home and I know I’m a big part of contributing to it. Other than that, life is good and I’m doing better… I feel like I’m a better person today than I was yesterday which is what really matters. Oh, and I only spent $71 on groceries today. Yay me! My limit was $75 and I price matched like crazy at Wal-Mart and resisted so many impulse purchases that I wanted to buy. That’s a huge success for me!

It has been a very good Sabbath day. I felt so blessed and so grateful to be able to take the Sacrament today. I felt clean and pure and forgiven of sins I’ve committed over the past week. I’m so very grateful to be able to have the blessing of the sacrament and what a wonderful ordinance it is. Relief Society was great. Baily went with Robert during Priesthood so I got to sit and listen quietly. It was really nice. The lesson was about temples and it was beautiful. The Spirit was so strong. The temple is an especially emotional topic with me because of how sacred I hold it and how much I loooove the temple. Oh how I love the temple! Then I had the opportunity to visit teach one of our sisters today. I love visiting teaching. I love the sisters we visit teach and I love my companion. It truly is such a blessing from Heavenly Father. And I felt good today because I finally followed through on a fast. That is such a hard thing for me. After Robert realized how much we owe on bills I was really worried about how mad he would be. So as he was gone to pay for a loan extention, I was thinking of ways to defend myself and of an argument we might have. But my sweet husband is so patient and wonderful. When he got home he was whistling and smiling and we talked calmly and free of contention about what we need to do to get caught up and to get through these strugglings. Then we read our scriptures together and he read his Patriarchal Blessing to me which was totally something I needed to hear. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I’m so very blessed to be his wife. I love him so, so much. We then prayed and the Spirit was so strong during that prayer. I feel like we really grew in our marriage tonight. How grateful I am to have the gospel in my life and for the guidance and commandments it offers. I don’t think I could be successful in marriage without it.

I’m really looking forward to starting the Body-for-LIFE program tomorrow… again. I really, honestly feel that I have the motivation this time to actually complete the 12 week challenge. I need to do so so very badly. I’m so overweight and extremely unhappy about my physical appearance. And I need to be healthy for myself and for my family. I owe it to them to be the best that I can be. I want this so bad! I feel good going into next week. I got a lot accomplished today and I feel prepared to accomplish the goals I have set for next week. My biggest challenge is going to be getting up early enough to work-out and keep my eating times on track. And I also need to focus on not being lazy and wasting time on the internet or watching t.v. Another goal I have for myself is not to spend any money at all… with the exception of groceries tomorrow and the bills we have to pay. This is going to be such a struggle as spending money is a serious weakness I have. But I need to overcome it because not only is it hurting us financially, but it’s something I really hate about myself. So in accordance with trying to better myself and be happy with who I am, I really need to work on overcoming this weakness. I’m going to go to bed now so I can have a great day tomorrow.

I feel good today! I wasn't one hundred percent on all my goals but I can honestly say that I tried hard and I'm happy with what goals I did keep and my accomplishments today. And you know what? It feels really good to rejoice in my accomplishments instead of dwell on what I didn't do or accomplish. I think I'm going to stick to this way of thinking and life! It's hard because I'm such a perfectionist and I have this warped way of thinking that it's all or nothing and if I'm not perfect at something than it's not worth it. Pardon the bad slang, but screw that! I'm on a journey to love and be happy with who I am, which is not perfect, so I'm going to continue on focusing on what I do well and what I can do better. So today I did great with the personal goal, I made a conscious effort to try harder to have more charity, I'm doing my journal right now, I knelt first thing this morning in sincere prayer and will do so tonight before I go to sleep, and I only had one Dr. Pepper. I really wanted more but I stopped myself there. So tomorrow I will do better with working harder on having more charity-with my SIL in particular, I will let myself have only one Dr. P as I'm starting BFL Monday and want to allow myself one more taste before the challenge, and will accomplish all the other goals 100% as I did today. As for couple goals, we at least had prayer together- we didn't read since Robert was extremely and rightfully tired, we went on a partial date- or at least made an effort to have about 15 minutes alone together. I need to sit down tomorrow with Robert and really talk to him about our tithing and financial situation. So it was a good day today. Tomorrow will be great. I'm really going to try hard to keep the Sabbath holy tomorrow and really rest.

I got to talk to my mom today which is always great. She sounds so great and is doing very well. I miss her so, so much. She's in prison right now for something she didn't do. That's a looong story. But every time I talk to her or read one of her letters I realize how much this is something that was supposed to happen. I've never seen my mom so spiritually, emotionally or physically stronger in my life. She has grown into such an amazing woman- not that she wasn't before, but she's really reaching her full potential. Man how I miss her! She truly is one of my very best friends!

My baby girl is getting braver and walking a couple more steps. I say two weeks and she'll be walking all over the place. She's so much fun right now. I can't get enough of her. She has to be the cutest baby ever! My favorite is when I'm putting her to sleep and she just caresses my face or my arm. Those tender touches are priceless! Oh and I looove when she hugs my face and showers me with kisses. How can I not be happy when I get to spend my days with such a precious treasure?

Robert was so busy today. Poor guy. He had to get up at 4:30 for work and then when he got home he had to go help his sister and family again with moving. It probably wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so tired and it wasn't like an hour distance inbetween where they're moving. They moved out to Queen Creek. They're renting a house out there. I finally got to go see it tonight. It's a really nice little house. I must say I'm quite jealous. I cannot wait to get out of this house and into our own place. I'm going crazy living here. I'm harboring so much bitterness toward Robert's brother and sister right now because they are taking so much advantage of us. I'm just biding my time. Hopefully we'll be out soon! I cannot wait to be in our own place and for my brother to be renting a room for us. It will be so good for me to have some of my own family to be around. He's truly another one of my very best friends. I have the best family ever!

Wow I can ramble on a lot. Not that anyone's going to read this... I'm mainly doing this for myself but it is nice to think that someone else might be somewhat interested in my little old life! Ciao for now!

A Fresh Start

Here's the deal... no matter how humiliating it is to keep posting that I'm going to have a fresh start, my own personal "new year," and not follow through on it, I'm going to keep trying. One of these times I will succeed. But as I've been thinking about this bright idea to start over with my goals I've realized that I've missed out on a lot of living my life. I miss out because I'm always putting it off for my new start, for the new me. It's obvious that I'm never going to be perfect... at least not here on this earth in this time of my existence. So while yes, I am going to try again to have a fresh start, I'm not going to quit trying if... no when, I mess up and wait to start until the next Monday or holiday. This past week has been a hard one for me. Not because of anything in my life in general, but within myself. I made some very wrong choices that have almost led me back into some of my worst, soul-devastating habits. I've been so close to going back to a habit and lifestyle that I've sworn and promised and covenanted I would never go back to. As I've thought about how close I came to making these horrible mistakes, I have realized that I'm in major need of being converted again. Somewhere along the line since going through the temple in June I've lost something... a spiritual thing. And I've also realized that I've let myself go in almost all aspects of my life. In fact, I'm not really sure if I ever was "going" in the first place. I know I'm not making a lot of sense but I'm having a really hard time expressing these particular feelings I'm having. What I mean by saying I was never really "going" in the first place, is that I've never really been particulary happy with myself. I'm not saying I've never been happy with myself or have had nothing but hard times in my life. I'm saying that I've never been at a point in my life where I've felt like I am truly happy with who I am and where I'm going in my life. There's always been something about myself that I've hated... whether it be my physical body, my attitude, my weaknesses, my bad habits, the way I feel about others at times, the choices I've made. I know that I will never be perfect and I will always have weaknesses so the question is... how can I be happy with who I am despite all these insecurites I have about myself. I've been thinking about this the last couple of days as I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this new fresh start tomorrow... or I should say today, 9/9/06 (nine's my favorite number, which is why I chose this day to be my "fresh start" day), and how I was going to make this fresh start stick unlike all the other attempts, I've come to a couple of conclusions. First, I need to really understand and feel that I am truly a daughter of Heavenly Father and that He loves me. As a daughter of him, I have divinity in me. The potential is within me. I need to understand that I'm worth everything good- that I am a good person. I need to understand that the times when I feel worthless and like a failure and loser... those are all lies coming from Satan. I am a loved daughter of Deity! I have every right to be happy and have joy. Even when I fail time and time again, I'm not a failure unless I quit trying. Another crucial point I've realized is that I'm not alone and I need to rely on the help of my Savior to reach my ultimate potential- to be the person I want to be and know deep down that I am. So realizing all these things... that I've heard millions of times but am actually starting to finally get it... is great. But I need to do something about it now. I need to take action to improve my life because I'm just not happy with who I am and that's no good. So my first and foremost priority, or resolution/goal, is to pray every single day- to get on my knees and pray first thing in the morning and the last thing I do at night. And I'm going to be diligent at making sure they're personal, sincere prayers. I know this is already been a goal I've had for sometime but I've really come to see how truly important it is. The other goals I have but won't get so in depth about, are to once and for all quit drinking soda, to type or write in my journal every day possible, one that's too personal to write about publicly but extremely important nonethess, and to work on having more charity for everyone. Sound familiar? As far as goals with my husband, I can only do my best by being the first to suggest we do the goals, which are the same as before. So what's going to make the difference this time? It's all about prayer, self-discilpline and determination. And really thinking and pondering the things I've mentioned will help me to have a reason to follow through. And also knowing that I will fail, but it's ok. I won't give up but just go at it the next day. So instead of saying here's to a perfect fresh start, I say- here's to a fresh start journey!