Saturday, September 09, 2006

A Fresh Start
Here's the deal... no matter how humiliating it is to keep posting that I'm going to have a fresh start, my own personal "new year," and not follow through on it, I'm going to keep trying. One of these times I will succeed. But as I've been thinking about this bright idea to start over with my goals I've realized that I've missed out on a lot of living my life. I miss out because I'm always putting it off for my new start, for the new me. It's obvious that I'm never going to be perfect... at least not here on this earth in this time of my existence. So while yes, I am going to try again to have a fresh start, I'm not going to quit trying if... no when, I mess up and wait to start until the next Monday or holiday. This past week has been a hard one for me. Not because of anything in my life in general, but within myself. I made some very wrong choices that have almost led me back into some of my worst, soul-devastating habits. I've been so close to going back to a habit and lifestyle that I've sworn and promised and covenanted I would never go back to. As I've thought about how close I came to making these horrible mistakes, I have realized that I'm in major need of being converted again. Somewhere along the line since going through the temple in June I've lost something... a spiritual thing. And I've also realized that I've let myself go in almost all aspects of my life. In fact, I'm not really sure if I ever was "going" in the first place. I know I'm not making a lot of sense but I'm having a really hard time expressing these particular feelings I'm having. What I mean by saying I was never really "going" in the first place, is that I've never really been particulary happy with myself. I'm not saying I've never been happy with myself or have had nothing but hard times in my life. I'm saying that I've never been at a point in my life where I've felt like I am truly happy with who I am and where I'm going in my life. There's always been something about myself that I've hated... whether it be my physical body, my attitude, my weaknesses, my bad habits, the way I feel about others at times, the choices I've made. I know that I will never be perfect and I will always have weaknesses so the question is... how can I be happy with who I am despite all these insecurites I have about myself. I've been thinking about this the last couple of days as I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this new fresh start tomorrow... or I should say today, 9/9/06 (nine's my favorite number, which is why I chose this day to be my "fresh start" day), and how I was going to make this fresh start stick unlike all the other attempts, I've come to a couple of conclusions. First, I need to really understand and feel that I am truly a daughter of Heavenly Father and that He loves me. As a daughter of him, I have divinity in me. The potential is within me. I need to understand that I'm worth everything good- that I am a good person. I need to understand that the times when I feel worthless and like a failure and loser... those are all lies coming from Satan. I am a loved daughter of Deity! I have every right to be happy and have joy. Even when I fail time and time again, I'm not a failure unless I quit trying. Another crucial point I've realized is that I'm not alone and I need to rely on the help of my Savior to reach my ultimate potential- to be the person I want to be and know deep down that I am. So realizing all these things... that I've heard millions of times but am actually starting to finally get it... is great. But I need to do something about it now. I need to take action to improve my life because I'm just not happy with who I am and that's no good. So my first and foremost priority, or resolution/goal, is to pray every single day- to get on my knees and pray first thing in the morning and the last thing I do at night. And I'm going to be diligent at making sure they're personal, sincere prayers. I know this is already been a goal I've had for sometime but I've really come to see how truly important it is. The other goals I have but won't get so in depth about, are to once and for all quit drinking soda, to type or write in my journal every day possible, one that's too personal to write about publicly but extremely important nonethess, and to work on having more charity for everyone. Sound familiar? As far as goals with my husband, I can only do my best by being the first to suggest we do the goals, which are the same as before. So what's going to make the difference this time? It's all about prayer, self-discilpline and determination. And really thinking and pondering the things I've mentioned will help me to have a reason to follow through. And also knowing that I will fail, but it's ok. I won't give up but just go at it the next day. So instead of saying here's to a perfect fresh start, I say- here's to a fresh start journey!

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