Changes

So much has happened in my life over the past month or so. I was doing great with my Body-for-LIFE challenge and moving into a third week after two perfect weeks and found out on February 10th I was pregnant. I was so excited and Robert was too. We had been trying for a while to no avail and ended up just deciding that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Well of course we got pregnant. I immediately told pretty much everyone knew because I'm no the type of person that can hold my excitement in or keep a secret. The beginning of the pregnancy was so different from my last pregnancy which I know is common but deep down I just felt that it was a little too different. I felt a little nauseous but nothing like before. I was extremely tired and fatigued and had very intense breast soreness. And my emotions and hormones were crazy. I cried at the drop of a pin. It was ridiculous. The reason I'm talking in past tense is because on the 21st of February I had a miscarriage. It was heart-breaking but I have taken it so much better than I thought I would. I'm glad it was early on... only about 6 weeks or so. I think part of the reason I'm dealing so well is because I had that feeling the whole time like something just was not right. My biggest fear is that something's wrong and that I won't be able to have another baby. I know that's so highly unlikely and that it's common for most women to have at least one miscarriage but it's still a fear I have. I have an appointment this Thursday with a new OB/GYN and I look forward to learning more about this and how soon we can start trying again.

Along with all this I've been struggling very much with some past weaknesses that have resurfaced- past addictions. But I'm happy and honestly able to report that I'm moving on and feeling great about my repentance process. I am determined to never do those actions again in my life.

Right now I feel like I'm at a stage in my life of new beginnings. I feel a new sense of determination and motivation to become a better person and do something with my life. I have been lit up with this overwhelming desire to go back to school and pursue my R.N. degree. I have an appointment with and Advisor at Mesa Community College to see what steps I need to take to get back into school. It stirs such excitement and desire in me.

I have been catching up in my reading of the Book of Mormon and reading 8 chapters a day. What a power it is. Every time I read it I feel such a desire to do right and forsake sin. I love the Book of Mormon so much. It ignites such power in me.

Today was so busy as I am trying to get caught up with everything I got behind on last week and get my life back in order. I'm going on about 5 hours of sleep and I am so tired. I have to finish filling out this caregiver work-book for my job because I have a test tomorrow to become an official certified caregiver. I'll sure be glad when it's done and overwith.

As far as fitness goes I fell very far off the wagon with the whole pregnancy/miscarriage thing which is no excuse and I take full blame for. I'm giving myself this one more week to recuperate and heal and to prepare to have a rockin' BFL challenge that I will complete.

Today I got my birthday package from my mom. When I opened it I just cried. She is the best and I miss her so much. It was a new set of scriptures- a quad, that she has marked her favorite scriptures and made comments in. She made this awesome cover for it that I just adore. She also sent me the book that has motivational quotes for women from Pres. Hinckley called "One Bright Shining Hope." I have wanted it for so long. I love my mom so much. She always gives the best gifts. I miss her so, so much. She's been on my mind so much lately. I can't wait until she comes home. It's going to be amazing.

Baily had her 18 month check-up today and got three shots. She did better today than she's ever done though. The crying was very minimal. She's only 21 pounds and 30 inches. She's my little baby girl. She's perfect. She really was a good girl today. Tonight I was yelling at her for stupid things and I feel so about it. It's so hard to not let the moodiness take over when I'm so tired and overwhelmed with all that I have to do and that's on my plate. I especially hate it when I take it out on her and my husband. They don't deserve that. I will do better and be more patient and more Christ-like. I want to be the best me I can be for them. They are my everything. I love my precious little family.

Well I better go finish that work-book. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get a couple hours of sleep before I have to take that test tomorrow morning!

It's been quite a long time since I wrote last. Oh well... no need on dwelling on the mistakes I make. I'll just learn from them and try harder. I started the 3rd week today of my BFL challenge. I'm doing so well and it feels wonderful. It's been a perfect challenge so far with no cheating and not missing any work-outs. It's been a big building of momentum for me in striving to have a perfect challenge. Of course if I do make a mistake I won't quit and start all over but I really am doing so great.

Today was squeaky clean and just as I planned. The only thing different was that my baby spinach went bad so I coudn't use it for my baked chicken parmesan. I was too tired to make a whole salad so I just had to stalks of celery... had to get my two servings of veggies in. For some reason I was extremely tired today. I mean I didn't get much sleep but I'm kind of used to that. Maybe it's just premenstrual syndrome... It did feel great to get back to eating clean today after that yucky free day yesterday.

Anyway, here's my info:
M1- 3 egg whites and 1 whole egg scrambled, oatmeal with splenda and cinnamon, multivitamin
2- AdvantEDGE carb control RTD, apple
3- left-over EFL beef & barley soup
4- FF cherry yogurt with LF cottage cheese
5- EFL baked chicken parmesan (sooo yummy- I finally got it just right this time!), 2 stalks celery
6- myoplex lite RTD
104 oz. H2O
I finished my LBWO from Friday since I couldn't then because my baby wasn't cooperating at the care center. I also did a killer UBWO... I'm so sore right now and I love it. I could barely wash my hair and put deodorant on. I switched up the exercises a little bit. I definitely hit all my high points. So all in all it has been another perfect day in the books. Maybe tomorrow I'll have my energy back!

I'm really going to do better and concentrate more on being more patient with my little Baily. I have such a hard time, and I feel guilty for even saying this, but I have a hard time not being able to have time for myself. I feel like Baily is requiring 100% of time and it's a hard adjustment for me not to be able to do things I want to get done when I want them to get done. And it wears on me picking up after every second of her waking day. And she doesn't nap much during the day and when she does I have to put her to sleep which can take up to an hour sometimes. Now I know it sounds like I'm complaining but honestly I'm just trying to adjust to this as a new mom. Well new mom to a 1 1/2 year old anyway. It seems like lately I've been having a break-down every day because I just get so tired. And then I feel so guilty and like a horrible mother for yelling at my sweet, innocent baby. I'm just so grateful I don't have to do it alone and that I have prayer and the power of the Atonement to help me with the challenging time in my life. I love my baby girl more than I can ever possibly explain which is why I struggle with this weakness I have of being impatient and losing it sometimes. But I will do better and rely more on my Savior for help because I want my daughter to have the best mommy ever. She deserves it!

Oh dear. I'm so very tired and since I'm at work I have a long night ahead of me. The positive thing about working this shift is that I have to be up by 5AM and I leave by 6 so I can go straight to the gym and get my workout done with first thing in the morning. Here's to another perfect BFL day and a much better mom day tomorrow!

Well it's good to be home! And guess what showed up at my house tonight at 10:00? That's right! My suitcase! Yippee!! I'm so happy and so grateful. And now Baily has a lot more clothes since we all bought more for her on account of not having any for a while. So I'm blessed once again. You know what? I truly am so very much blessed... I really never have any reason to be unhappy. If I can only remember that when the hard times come. My husband was told today by the Doctor that he has a fatty liver and needs to lose about 10 pounds and stop eating fast food, eating healthier and exercising. I'm excited about this because now he can do the program with me. I haven't followed through since we got home- not excuse... just laziness. It's been crazy trying to get back into the swing of things but that's no excuse... I should've been more prepared. But I'm not down on myself about it. I'm just excited to get prepared to start next week with my hubby... I'm not sure if he wants to go on an all out BFL challenge but I know he'll definitely be striving for a much healthier lifestyle which will help in support to me. And plus I got all my BFL books and stuff back in the suitcase today which will help a lot in the planning and following through. It's gonna be great! Yesterday was pretty much a day of sleep. I was so tired from the crazy travel schedule. Then at night I went to Robert's first church basketball game of the season. It was fun. I got to chat with a new girl in our ward who seems like a sweety. I love ball season! Today was busy trying to get the house in order and stuff... still have a lot more to do tomorrow. And I got to go to lunch with my cousin Becca and her baby and my other cousin Lauren at my most favorite restaurant... Someburros. It was so yummy. My daughter on the other hand was quite the little brat. I think she's still a little messed up from the crazy travel schedule yesterday. It's good to be home but I do miss the fam up in Wisconsin already. I love them all so much! My life is truly blessed and if nothing else I accomplish this year- I want to start focusing on enjoying all my many blessings so much more! Good night!

Not bad, not bad...

Today has been a pretty okay day. For some reason I seem to be full of negative emotion and I have no one to blame. Sometimes I feel like I can't control my emotions and I hate that. I woke up feeling good and going strong. I had a good HIIT but not the best I could because without a good sports bra it's hard for someone in my condition (ahem... huge boobs) to run. But I'd say I hit at least a nine in my high point and I had some major sweat going on which is always good. I'm already starting to feel sore in my legs and my upper body is sore as well from yesterday's workout.

As for nutrition it's been okay. I have decided, I think, to do my free day on Sundays except for special occasions and then I'll change the day and possibly one free meal every other week. I'm either going to do that or just two free meals a week. I can't decide. But I did have a free meal today (I know, I know... it's only day two!), but I feel somewhat justified in that it is my last day of vacation here in Wisconsin with my family and my parents took me out to a restaurant. I could have eaten somewhat clean but I didn't. But I did have some control and didn't go crazy which I'm proud of. And instead of letting that ruin the rest of the day I finished clean. So instead of getting down on myself and feeling like all I was doing was rationalizing a bad choice I'm going to rejoice in my success of the rest of the day and look forward to having a perfect week for the rest of this week one.

After we ate I went shopping with Baily, Patty and Eyan at Wal-Mart and then we met the guys at a car dealership where my dad ended up deciding on buying a new truck. It was a little lengthy but it was nice to be together all as a family and have that family time before we leave in a couple of hours. Baily slept on the drive home so it was very hard to put her to sleep tonight. I get so frustrated and overcome with emotion when she's so restless and I can't get her to sleep when I want her to. I hate when I get like that. She deserves a patient, loving and tender mom. So I decided to pray for patience and to be able to overcome all that negative emotion and within a couple of minutes I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for me sweet baby and was much more patient with her until she finally fell asleep. So I feel better about that. However I feel bad that I've been such a grouch with my husband. I keep saying things to him to the effect that he doesn't even miss me and is bummed out that I'm coming home. I know that's not the case but I know what's bothering me is that I feel like he doesn't even really need me. Like when I'm gone he has all this freedom to play his X-Box and spend all this time with his mom and family and like he enjoys that more than all the time he spends with me. I know it sounds stupid and is not true but that's how I feel. And also when I'm gone his mom does everything for him so I just feel like he doesn't really even need me. I hate feeling like this and I hate making him feel bad by acting so sour with him. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome these feelings when I go home and see him tomorrow.

I still have to finish packing and reading my scriptures and planning so I guess I better wrap it up. I'm gonna have a long, hard prayer tonight to get help with these seemingly uncontrollable emotions I'm having right now. I have too much to be grateful for to be acting and feeling this way. Maybe I need to get some sort of therapy or something. But for now I'm gonna focus on my faith in Christ. I know He knows how I feel.

It's All Good

Today has been great. I had a great UBWO (Upper Body Workout) even though it was with my dad's home gym as I am still here in Wisconsin on vacation visiting my dad and family. He has a home weight combo machine and a few dumbbells. It was a great workout and I felt an instant energy boost from it. I was also squeaky clean on my nutrition regardless of all the junk food I'm surrounded with. I felt really good today. Of course I always feel good on my first day of BFL. So far this year I've kept all my goals and resolutions. Go me! I love the feeling of a fresh new start to a new year with all the new goals and ambitions. And it's especially awesome that it started on a Monday this year. I love it!

One of my goals was to set aside some "Baily" time every day... at least 30 minutes of my uninterrupted attention. I think it's going to be great. Today I just played with her and her new little toys and read and sang with her. It really helped me in the fact that I feel like a better mother. And I also feel like a better mother not drinking soda because then she doesn't want it. I drank so much soda and of course she wants whatever mom has so she was drinking too much soda as well. She's way too young for that. She also eats my healthy food as well because like I said, she eats whatever I eat. It's great!

She's growing and learning something new every day. I just cherish her so much. I hate when I get impatient with her but I'm really working on it. I know the energy boost from a healthier lifestyle will help so much with my patience with her. These are the things she says now: who's that, pizzy (for pizza), cheese, momma, grandma, dad, all done and other things I can't think of right now. She signs the words for I love you, thank you, eat, drink, more and please. She's just so smart. Most of the time she has a smile on her face. Oh how I love my little girl!

I started the Book of Mormon again today. It's been too long since I last read. Oh how I love the Book of Mormon! It's such a powerful tool of peace and guidance and love. I remember my old Bishop Olsen telling me how there are people in our ward who have not missed reading in the Book of Mormon every day for like 15 years. That's so inspiring to me. I want to be like. I think the longest I've gone with consecutive reading is like 3 or 4 months... it's always the most easy-going time in my life. It's not that I haven't had any trials at those times but I'm just better equipped to handle them. I had a chance to bear my testimony of it to my brother Jensen today. It felt good to be able to share that with him. He's got a lot of issues and I so want him to find happiness in his life. I love him so much. I love all my family here in Wisconsin so much. I wish so bad that they could share in the peace and true joy that the gospel brings to me in my life. They will some day!

I've decided to just put my faith in Christ that He will help me to get my lost suitcase back. It was lost on our trip here. It was full of pretty much all of Baily's clothes, all my BFL books, my expensive calculater, mine and Baily's journal that I've been keeping for her, all her shoes, my tape measurer and I don't even know what else. I'm so disappointed and saddened because the journals and my family Book of Mormon that I read and made a lot of personal notes and stuff in are irreplaceable. And to top it off it wasn't even my suitcase- it was my Abuelita's that I borrowed. Oh yeah and my dad and Patty's Christmas gifts. I can never afford to get them Christmas gifts and the one year I do it's lost! It's very, very frustrating. I pray with all my heart I'll get it back. I will fill out a claim form and the American Airlines are supposed to compensate me for everything but I'd much rather just get the suitcase back. It's definitely a trial of faith and righteousness on my part. I could totally beef up the bill on the airline's part because since they lost the suitcase(which I have faith they didn't) they technically don't have proof what was in there. I could say I have a $10,000 ring in there and they wouldn't know. But it's not worth my integrity to lie about this. I'm glad they're willing to compensate me for my lost but it can really never be paid back in full. So I'm going to have faith that I'll get it back but if not I'll be honest about what I lost and just get the things that I can, back. Maybe that suticase was an answer to someone else's prayers... like a mother who desperately needed clothes for her little girl. And as a bonus she can be healthy and find the gospel as well! It's all about faith in Christ and trusting His will.

We pretty much only have one more day here in Wisconsin. I miss my husband and the comforts of my home but it will be sad to leave. It's been so nice spending time with the family. I'm so grateful for my family. My dad and step-mom have been so generous and helped in buying a lot of clothes for Baily. My dad also bought me some new running shoes which I'm so excited about. I don't even remember the last time I got new shoes let alone Nikes! I love my family so, so much!

Well 2007 has been a great year thus far! I love you for always!!!