Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Not bad, not bad...
Today has been a pretty okay day. For some reason I seem to be full of negative emotion and I have no one to blame. Sometimes I feel like I can't control my emotions and I hate that. I woke up feeling good and going strong. I had a good HIIT but not the best I could because without a good sports bra it's hard for someone in my condition (ahem... huge boobs) to run. But I'd say I hit at least a nine in my high point and I had some major sweat going on which is always good. I'm already starting to feel sore in my legs and my upper body is sore as well from yesterday's workout.
As for nutrition it's been okay. I have decided, I think, to do my free day on Sundays except for special occasions and then I'll change the day and possibly one free meal every other week. I'm either going to do that or just two free meals a week. I can't decide. But I did have a free meal today (I know, I know... it's only day two!), but I feel somewhat justified in that it is my last day of vacation here in Wisconsin with my family and my parents took me out to a restaurant. I could have eaten somewhat clean but I didn't. But I did have some control and didn't go crazy which I'm proud of. And instead of letting that ruin the rest of the day I finished clean. So instead of getting down on myself and feeling like all I was doing was rationalizing a bad choice I'm going to rejoice in my success of the rest of the day and look forward to having a perfect week for the rest of this week one.
After we ate I went shopping with Baily, Patty and Eyan at Wal-Mart and then we met the guys at a car dealership where my dad ended up deciding on buying a new truck. It was a little lengthy but it was nice to be together all as a family and have that family time before we leave in a couple of hours. Baily slept on the drive home so it was very hard to put her to sleep tonight. I get so frustrated and overcome with emotion when she's so restless and I can't get her to sleep when I want her to. I hate when I get like that. She deserves a patient, loving and tender mom. So I decided to pray for patience and to be able to overcome all that negative emotion and within a couple of minutes I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for me sweet baby and was much more patient with her until she finally fell asleep. So I feel better about that. However I feel bad that I've been such a grouch with my husband. I keep saying things to him to the effect that he doesn't even miss me and is bummed out that I'm coming home. I know that's not the case but I know what's bothering me is that I feel like he doesn't even really need me. Like when I'm gone he has all this freedom to play his X-Box and spend all this time with his mom and family and like he enjoys that more than all the time he spends with me. I know it sounds stupid and is not true but that's how I feel. And also when I'm gone his mom does everything for him so I just feel like he doesn't really even need me. I hate feeling like this and I hate making him feel bad by acting so sour with him. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome these feelings when I go home and see him tomorrow.
I still have to finish packing and reading my scriptures and planning so I guess I better wrap it up. I'm gonna have a long, hard prayer tonight to get help with these seemingly uncontrollable emotions I'm having right now. I have too much to be grateful for to be acting and feeling this way. Maybe I need to get some sort of therapy or something. But for now I'm gonna focus on my faith in Christ. I know He knows how I feel.

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