Not bad, not bad...

Today has been a pretty okay day. For some reason I seem to be full of negative emotion and I have no one to blame. Sometimes I feel like I can't control my emotions and I hate that. I woke up feeling good and going strong. I had a good HIIT but not the best I could because without a good sports bra it's hard for someone in my condition (ahem... huge boobs) to run. But I'd say I hit at least a nine in my high point and I had some major sweat going on which is always good. I'm already starting to feel sore in my legs and my upper body is sore as well from yesterday's workout.

As for nutrition it's been okay. I have decided, I think, to do my free day on Sundays except for special occasions and then I'll change the day and possibly one free meal every other week. I'm either going to do that or just two free meals a week. I can't decide. But I did have a free meal today (I know, I know... it's only day two!), but I feel somewhat justified in that it is my last day of vacation here in Wisconsin with my family and my parents took me out to a restaurant. I could have eaten somewhat clean but I didn't. But I did have some control and didn't go crazy which I'm proud of. And instead of letting that ruin the rest of the day I finished clean. So instead of getting down on myself and feeling like all I was doing was rationalizing a bad choice I'm going to rejoice in my success of the rest of the day and look forward to having a perfect week for the rest of this week one.

After we ate I went shopping with Baily, Patty and Eyan at Wal-Mart and then we met the guys at a car dealership where my dad ended up deciding on buying a new truck. It was a little lengthy but it was nice to be together all as a family and have that family time before we leave in a couple of hours. Baily slept on the drive home so it was very hard to put her to sleep tonight. I get so frustrated and overcome with emotion when she's so restless and I can't get her to sleep when I want her to. I hate when I get like that. She deserves a patient, loving and tender mom. So I decided to pray for patience and to be able to overcome all that negative emotion and within a couple of minutes I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for me sweet baby and was much more patient with her until she finally fell asleep. So I feel better about that. However I feel bad that I've been such a grouch with my husband. I keep saying things to him to the effect that he doesn't even miss me and is bummed out that I'm coming home. I know that's not the case but I know what's bothering me is that I feel like he doesn't even really need me. Like when I'm gone he has all this freedom to play his X-Box and spend all this time with his mom and family and like he enjoys that more than all the time he spends with me. I know it sounds stupid and is not true but that's how I feel. And also when I'm gone his mom does everything for him so I just feel like he doesn't really even need me. I hate feeling like this and I hate making him feel bad by acting so sour with him. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome these feelings when I go home and see him tomorrow.

I still have to finish packing and reading my scriptures and planning so I guess I better wrap it up. I'm gonna have a long, hard prayer tonight to get help with these seemingly uncontrollable emotions I'm having right now. I have too much to be grateful for to be acting and feeling this way. Maybe I need to get some sort of therapy or something. But for now I'm gonna focus on my faith in Christ. I know He knows how I feel.

It's All Good

Today has been great. I had a great UBWO (Upper Body Workout) even though it was with my dad's home gym as I am still here in Wisconsin on vacation visiting my dad and family. He has a home weight combo machine and a few dumbbells. It was a great workout and I felt an instant energy boost from it. I was also squeaky clean on my nutrition regardless of all the junk food I'm surrounded with. I felt really good today. Of course I always feel good on my first day of BFL. So far this year I've kept all my goals and resolutions. Go me! I love the feeling of a fresh new start to a new year with all the new goals and ambitions. And it's especially awesome that it started on a Monday this year. I love it!

One of my goals was to set aside some "Baily" time every day... at least 30 minutes of my uninterrupted attention. I think it's going to be great. Today I just played with her and her new little toys and read and sang with her. It really helped me in the fact that I feel like a better mother. And I also feel like a better mother not drinking soda because then she doesn't want it. I drank so much soda and of course she wants whatever mom has so she was drinking too much soda as well. She's way too young for that. She also eats my healthy food as well because like I said, she eats whatever I eat. It's great!

She's growing and learning something new every day. I just cherish her so much. I hate when I get impatient with her but I'm really working on it. I know the energy boost from a healthier lifestyle will help so much with my patience with her. These are the things she says now: who's that, pizzy (for pizza), cheese, momma, grandma, dad, all done and other things I can't think of right now. She signs the words for I love you, thank you, eat, drink, more and please. She's just so smart. Most of the time she has a smile on her face. Oh how I love my little girl!

I started the Book of Mormon again today. It's been too long since I last read. Oh how I love the Book of Mormon! It's such a powerful tool of peace and guidance and love. I remember my old Bishop Olsen telling me how there are people in our ward who have not missed reading in the Book of Mormon every day for like 15 years. That's so inspiring to me. I want to be like. I think the longest I've gone with consecutive reading is like 3 or 4 months... it's always the most easy-going time in my life. It's not that I haven't had any trials at those times but I'm just better equipped to handle them. I had a chance to bear my testimony of it to my brother Jensen today. It felt good to be able to share that with him. He's got a lot of issues and I so want him to find happiness in his life. I love him so much. I love all my family here in Wisconsin so much. I wish so bad that they could share in the peace and true joy that the gospel brings to me in my life. They will some day!

I've decided to just put my faith in Christ that He will help me to get my lost suitcase back. It was lost on our trip here. It was full of pretty much all of Baily's clothes, all my BFL books, my expensive calculater, mine and Baily's journal that I've been keeping for her, all her shoes, my tape measurer and I don't even know what else. I'm so disappointed and saddened because the journals and my family Book of Mormon that I read and made a lot of personal notes and stuff in are irreplaceable. And to top it off it wasn't even my suitcase- it was my Abuelita's that I borrowed. Oh yeah and my dad and Patty's Christmas gifts. I can never afford to get them Christmas gifts and the one year I do it's lost! It's very, very frustrating. I pray with all my heart I'll get it back. I will fill out a claim form and the American Airlines are supposed to compensate me for everything but I'd much rather just get the suitcase back. It's definitely a trial of faith and righteousness on my part. I could totally beef up the bill on the airline's part because since they lost the suitcase(which I have faith they didn't) they technically don't have proof what was in there. I could say I have a $10,000 ring in there and they wouldn't know. But it's not worth my integrity to lie about this. I'm glad they're willing to compensate me for my lost but it can really never be paid back in full. So I'm going to have faith that I'll get it back but if not I'll be honest about what I lost and just get the things that I can, back. Maybe that suticase was an answer to someone else's prayers... like a mother who desperately needed clothes for her little girl. And as a bonus she can be healthy and find the gospel as well! It's all about faith in Christ and trusting His will.

We pretty much only have one more day here in Wisconsin. I miss my husband and the comforts of my home but it will be sad to leave. It's been so nice spending time with the family. I'm so grateful for my family. My dad and step-mom have been so generous and helped in buying a lot of clothes for Baily. My dad also bought me some new running shoes which I'm so excited about. I don't even remember the last time I got new shoes let alone Nikes! I love my family so, so much!

Well 2007 has been a great year thus far! I love you for always!!!

A New Year A New You... errr Me, I mean... A New Year A New Me

Happy New Year! Wow it's 2007 already. I must say that 2006 was a great year with unforgettable experiences such as achieving my life goal of receiving my Endowment and getting Sealed to my lover for time and all eternity in the temple. There really are so many experiences that were great and meaningful but also many trials that hopefully I learned something from. It was definitely a year of ups and downs for me... as I suppose life will be. As I look forward to this year I'm really focused on working on me... a new me. I've decided that I want to commit to running the Walt Disney Marathon with my Aunt Konny and family in January of 2008. That means that I need to lose lots of weight and really commit to a training regime. That also means that I can't get pregnant at this time if I'm to accomplish this goal. This has been a hard decision to make as I'm quite baby hungry and I feel this urge to have another child. A part of me feels selfish for putting off having another baby for almost two more years but at the same time I really think it would be better to improve my health and lifestyle so I can be a better mom not only to a new baby but to my precious baby girl I already have. She's one of the best things in my life and she deserves the best mom I can be... wish is not what I am right now. I have no confidence in myself and really do not like myself a lot. I have no energy to keep up with her and it's affected my patience with her. She doesn't deserve my impatience or lack of attention. My husband deserves a wife that's happy most of the time... not an emotional wreck that I am. He's the best husband I could ask for and I'm so in love with him. I can't lose him because of my weaknesses. I'm so excited for this year because this year, unlike so many others, will be the year that not only I make goals to improve myself, but to actually follow through with them. I got new running shoes thanks to my pops today and I got a nice MP3 player for Christmas so I'm ready to go. I'm still on vacation in Wisconsin right now visiting family but I have everything I need to start ANOTHER BFL challenge tomorrow... and you know what? I'm gonna finish it this year come hell or high water!! But words are nothing without actions to back it up... so I'll just prove it to myself. I CAN DO THIS! My list of goals and resolutions is pretty long, but I know I can be successful in them. What's gonna make the difference this year you say? Faith in Jesus Christ- that's what. So Happy New Year 2007 and get ready- 'cause I'm gonna kick your butt!

My beautiful family at the Zoo Lights on Friday December 8, 2006!

They deserve the best me I can be!

I’ve been busy, busy. I’m doing great with the challenge so far. Saturday was a little bit of a slip up, but I must say I’ve exercised amazing mind muscle and will power which is a major accomplishment for me. I’ve been seconds away from quitting the challenge and putting it off yet again but I’ve stuck with it. I can’t help but get the thoughts and feelings of my unhappiness before I started out of my head every time I think about quitting which is exactly what I wanted to do in that situation. We are so broke but I’ve been able to get some money for baby-sitting my cousin Becca’s kids for a couple hours a day this week. I was able to get my groceries for only $46. I did have some food left-over from last week and my menu is a little boring but it’s a sacrifice I’m definitely willing to make. I also decided to try to start using Trim Spa as a supplement. I’m pretty hesitant about it having side effects or just being a waste of money, but I decided to give it a try. It was pretty cheap too. Tonight I went to Emely’s birthday dinner at Old Country Buffet. There were so many tempting treats, but I’m so, so proud of myself for eating clean. I had a couple bites of unauthorized food but I did awesome and exercised some major will power. I’m so into the BFL zone right now… like I’ve never, ever been before. I am constantly trying to visualize accomplishing my goals and am so ready to give it all I have… and I’m doing it! It feels great. I’m actually starting to develop some confidence in myself that I will actually follow through on this. I’m truly, truly excited. I noticed today how happy I am. I’m just happy and content right now. I feel almost a new zest for life… and it’s only the second week!
BFL isn’t my only reason for this change in attitude and feeling right now. I’m doing so well about keeping all my goals/resolutions. No, I haven’t been perfect, but my attitude of not giving up and willing to accept mistakes and move on, is making all the difference. I feel more productive and grateful.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to watch Becca’s kids this week. She has done so much for me and it’s nice to be able to give something back… even though she’s paying me. It seems like this week I just got super, duper busy and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to let up any time soon. But I love to be busy.
I have a test for a company tomorrow called Transcipt Express. We’re hoping that if it works out, I will be able to do a little work from home so we can overcome these financial problems we are having. I hate money!! We’re solely surviving on pure faith right now that Heavenly Father is going to help through this rut and get caught up on our bills. Especially our tithing. I hate that we ever let ourselves get behind… we have done so well all year- perfect even. We so badly need the blessings of tithing. I just need to trust Him that he’ll help us do what’s right. I don’t like to dwell on this though because I choose to stress out about it. So right now I’m just doing all that I can as far as learning about and pursuing these opportunities to make some extra income without having to leave my home and baby, and having faith in Christ. Robert had some testing tomorrow for a job with the post office and few possible opportunities through a colleague of his. I know something will come out of all this if we are just faithful and obedient. So that's that’s what we’ll do. At least I know that’s what I’ll do. I can’t really speak for him on this.
I really need to go to sleep now. I’ve been up way too late lately. I realize very much that I need to control this addiction I have of spending so much time on the Internet… especially with the blogs and BFL tracker! I need to be more productive! But in the spirit of focusing on progress and strengths I am doing much better as a person and liking who I am so much more than a mere couple of weeks ago!