Monday, July 30, 2007

Deep Stuff and Not So Deep Stuff

***Disclaimer*** (See disclaimer to the left.)

So I couldn't sleep Sunday night. I didn't feel like reading since I basically read my brains out last week in my hurry to finish the Harry Potter book. I ended up reading blogs all night. I was also starving. What I was craving was a cheeseburger and large onion rings and a large Dr. Pepper from Burger King . But with much deliberation and determination I resisted the temptation to go there at midnight that night... even though technically it was not Sunday anymore. But I was still starving so I ate something really stupid.
And then I drank it with something even more stupid. Nice, huh?And I wonder why I had such a hard time falling asleep that night. But eating those cheetos has started me on a flamin' hot cheetos kick. I woke up craving them yesterday morning and since I don't have a car when Robert's at work I went out in the awful heat with Baily in her stroller and walked to the store to get some flamin' hot cheetos. I really need to improve my health habits... or health-less habits I should say. I did get some grapes and apples though as well which I will eat because I do love fresh fruit. Hey that's better than nothing! But seriously if my son is unhealthy and sick I have no one to blame but myself! I need to get on the ball!

Ok... onto some deeper stuff. I got a letter from my mom yesterday that had some stuff in it I really needed to read. For those who don't know my mom is in Utah State Prison right now. She's been there for almost 2 years, since 3 days before Baily was born. She's there on a plea of no contest for fraud and murder. Before anyone freaks out, she absolutely did not murder anyone. I know this without a doubt in my mind. She's in prison for something she did not do. Anyway this has definitely been one of the biggest trials in my life. She's my very best friend and I cannot even begin to explain how much I miss her. I wrote her a letter two weeks ago after not writing her for like 6 weeks trying to explain some of the hard things I've been going through. Before I wrote her I got a letter from her explaining how hurt she was that I had not written and that killed me. I knew that she was hurt and I have been feeling guilty for so long about it. In the letter I wrote her I explained how the previous two months or so were very dark times for me. Well it would be easier to just post some of the letter:
"I’ve been in a pretty dark place for a while now and am just starting to feel better. Sadly you’re not the only one I’ve been neglecting. Up until a couple days before we left on vacation I haven’t done jack crap. No cleaning, cooking, giving my daughter attention... nothing. I hesitate in telling you or anyone for that matter that I’ve been depressed because I struggle with accepting it. I feel like if I could just control my mind and actions better I would not be dealing with such depression. I don’t know if any of this makes sense- it doesn’t even make sense to me in my mind. Anyway, while I’ve been feeling depressed part of it is being angry and mad at the world. While I wasn’t mad at you I’ve been very mad at the situation. And I hesitate even now in telling you this. I do not want you to feel guilty for anything which is why I hate telling you this. But I feel I owe you an honest explanation. I’ve been so down and feel so lonely because no matter how many people I have that love and support me none of them are you and I can’t talk to anyone like I can with you. No one understands me like you do. And I know that is because I am so much like you." "I just miss and need you so much and I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. "I get mad at myself because I know what will help- the simple things such as daily diligent prayer and scripture study, and yet I don’t do them. Why is that? Why am I so stupid sometimes? Why is it so hard? And then I get in this cycle of being unproductive and hating myself and feeling guilty for it. And I get mad when anyone helps, like if Robert folds the laundry even though it’s been sitting there for like 3 days or if Cande does the dishes and so on and so forth. It’s so stupid. It’s like I can see myself and how dumb I’m being but at the same time I can’t control myself. Does any of this make sense to you? Satan is horrible, horrible being and he’s so smart. He knows me all too well. I am happy to say that I am honestly doing much better and I know it’s because of those simple things as prayer and scripture study. I’m so ashamed when I get like this and yet it keeps happening... like every couple months I go through this depression thing. It’s so annoying. I know I should probably get help but once I get through my "spout"(sp?) I feel like I don’t need it and I can control it and prevent it from happening again. It’s embarrassing and shameful to even talk to you about it let alone anyone else. I’m pretty sure it’s a chemical thing but that’s so hard for me to accept- I feel like I’m putting blame somewhere else when I should take full blame. When I’m not going through these phases I love life and for the most part I feel pretty good about myself. I feel like I get a lot accomplished and am productive and useful to the world. But when I am going through these cycles I feel so worthless, angry and guilty because it effects everyone around me."
Ok so that's some very personal stuff but I really have come to realize that I'm not the only one who may be going through this sort of stuff and if I keep trying to hide it then how can I know how to talk to for this. Anyway, my mom's letter was perfect. She explained that her mom and as well as herself have suffered with depression and it's an illness just like cancer or other types of diseases. She explained that sometimes in the Church you feel like if you just do everything right like pray and read your scriptures, pay tithing, go to Church and stuff like that you can "cure" yourself. She said that you wouldn't expect to "cure" yourself from cancer by just living right. Of course it helps but the prayers can lead you to medical help, which is a gift from Heavenly Father, and I shouldn't feel guilty or wrong or ashamed because I suffer with this. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It's really helped me feel like there's nothing wrong about me, I just need help and I shouldn't be ashamed about it. I feel motivated to get the help I need and move on instead of being stuck in this horrible cycle of being depressed, getting in a rut, not progressing, feeling better and so on and so forth. It's like a huge, huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Alright... enough of that. She also sent the cutest little picture she made- a wanted poster for Baily. I don't know if you can read it that well but I was cracking up. My mom is so creative that way. I do know that my mom, although there innocently, is where she is for a reason and I know that part of the reason is the changes I've seen her make and the different person she's become. Me as long as many other family and friends have been praying for her to "come back to the fold" for as long as I can remember. She's now one of the most spiritually strong people I know. She has an amazing testimony and it really shows. I cannot wait until she comes home. It's going to be wonderful! I love her with all my heart!

Yesterday was a really good day with my Baily Bug. I don't know what was up with last week but she was naughty, naughty. She beat me up, she cried and threw major fits if I didn't give her every single thing she wanted and sometimes even if I did, she didn't listen to me at all. Since she's been such a good girl the past two days I can almost laugh at last week but last week I don't think there was one day I didn't cry. I would get so frustrated and not know what to do and end up yelling at her or smacking her hand, and then I would feel so horrible and guilty and like the worst mom on the planet. Then I would get on my knees and pray and start crying and that's about the only thing that got her to calm down. What a naughty girl huh? It's kind of funny now but man it was a rough week! Anyway yesterday was such a good day with her. She was like an angel baby. I'm sure it helped that I prayed my heart right after I woke up to please have a good day with her and not lose my patience. She had a good morning eating her grapes and apples and watching Pooh. There's a part in the Pooh movie where he does his morning exercises and she always does them and does this little dance in the part. It's so cute!

Another high point was the awesome storm we had yesterday. It totally rocked! I love rain storms. I saw the clouds coming but I thought they would just go around us like they usually do but nope... it hit us and hit us hard. It was so awesome!


Later last night Robert's family had a little birthday dinner for his sister Martha. We had El Pollo Loco and they wanted me to make another cheesecake so we had that for dessert. It was some good eatin'! Her birthday isn't actually until tomorrow but last night was easier for everyone to celebrate it.

Robert had to work overtime yesterday and today he has to as well. Well he was supposed to get off around 5:30 so he should've been home around 6ish. Well when it was 7:15 and he still wasn't home and I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone you can imagine that I was pretty worried. When he called to tell me that he was still at work I was so mad at him. I told him he should have at least called. He didn't get home until 8:30 and he was really apologetic when he got home and trying really hard to be super sweet. I was still mad at him and pretty much giving him the silent treatment. I don't recommend falling asleep mad at your husband. I had the worst dream last night that we broke up and I moved up to Utah. I remember just being heart-broken in my dream and missing him so much. I woke up this morning just wanting to hold and kiss him. So I guess that's my lesson learned. I hope he doesn't have to work so late tonight. I really miss him when he's not around in the evenings. And I really hope we get another storm today like we did yesterday.

Wow... sorry about the long post. I get a little carried away sometimes!

1 comment:

Cordova Family said...

oh my gosh, where do I start! I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, i think it's more common than you think. it's good that you recognize it and now you can get help. and i'm sure Bailey acting out was because you were not yourself and she can sense that. now you're good, so she'll be good. you are so great at blogging when you actually do it!! i love reading about you guys! that picture of your mom is not how i pictured your mom at all...now i have a face for name! call me if you need anything!