Happy Father's Day

I know Father's Day isn't until tomorrow but since I've been shopping and getting gifts ready today I guess you could say I'm really in the in Father's Day spirit. I've really been thinking a lot about all the father figures in my life and how very blessed I've been in this area of my life. There's my wonderful dad Patrick, my wonderful step-dad Gerald, my awesome Grandpas who are all passed away, my amazing husband who is an amazing dad to my sweet baby and most of all my Eternal Father in Heaven. Wow just mentioning all of them gets me in tears. I love each of them so much and am so grateful for all the advice, examples, fun times, wisdom, support, protection and love I've received from each of them.

I feel like I've been a slacker in planning a great Father's Day for Robert this year. He planned a fun date night for me for Mother's Day and our special Father's Day date night last night wasn't all that great. We just went out to dinner and since I failed to plan anything specific and because it was kind of late we didn't do anything afterward. And even though we planned on Baily spending the night at her Tia's with her Abuela we ended up picking her up because we missed her too much. It was nice to have a little bit of alone time though and enjoy a dinner at a restaurant without the stress of trying to entertain and keep quiet a toddler. And tomorrow I'm not going to be able to make the roast dinner for him that I was planning because his family's having a get-together at the park. I asked him if there was anything special he wanted me to make for lunch or something and he's absolutely no help with that. Hopefully I'll think of something to make his day special. I did get him some pretty cool gifts though. I got him a tie with Baily's picture all over it although that won't be in until next week (I'm a slacker I know!). I also got him the movie Apacalypto that he loved when he saw it in the theatre because he said it's about his people the Lamanites, a best hits cd of the Counting Crows that he's been really wanting, the DVD "The Testaments," an oil vile for his key chain and a box of one of his favorite treats- toffee peanuts. Not bad, eh? Now hopefully I'll make his day special tomorrow to show him how much I love and appreciate him. I got my dad a t-shirt with a picture of Baily on it that says "Proud Grandpa of Baily Bug," which I think he'll love and Gerald a frosted mug with Baily's picture on it. I think they'll all be pretty happy.

On a spiritual note I've been contemplating what I could possibly do for my Heavenly Father to show my love and gratitude to Him. I've realized there's nothing I could do to repay Him or to compare to everything He's done for me but I can be more obedient and more loving to His children- to have more compassion. I can honor my covenants to Him so much better and do better to make Him part of my daily life by being diligent with my prayers and scripture reading. So that's what I plan on doing for Him even though it's more of a blessing for me.

I have more to write about but my daughter is driving me crazy. She just needs some major TLC so I'll try to write more later. Happy Father's Day!

Update Please!

Wow... it's been like 3 months since I last posted. And to tell the truth it's been about 3 months since I've done anything even remotely productive. My lame excuse but excuse nonetheless is that I'm 11 weeks pregnant and the last 3 weeks or so I've been pregnant with a vengeance. I've been so sick that I've lost about 16lbs. Now under any other circumstances I would not complain about losing 16lbs. But I've actually felt much better the past two days so I'm praying that the "morning"... ahem "all freaking day long" sickness is coming to an end. I was much worse with Baily and actually lost 27lbs. the first 12 weeks with her so this pregnancy's not as bad. I stopped getting sick with her right at 12 weeks on the spot so maybe I'm lucky and getting away with stopping being sick at 11 weeks. That's my prayer anyway. Not only have I been sick but I've had about as much energy as a peanut and been just about as productive as a peanut. It's miserable. I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful supportive husband who's understanding and not impatient. But why is it I feel bad when he helps out with laundry and cleaning instead of feeling grateful. It drives me crazy! I have felt so worthless and like I haven't accompished anything and it makes me want to scream. Oh and the emotions and hormones... holy cow! I cry at the dumbest things and get so irritated at the dumb things and by the time I react and get crazy and mad I'm like what the heck is wrong with me. It's horrible. Ok... sorry about the venting. I just had to get all that out. Despite the pregnancy woes I am so excited to have another baby again! Robert had finally accepted the reality that I'm pregnant and I think he's over the fear of me miscarrying again so he's pretty excited too. He just doesn't show his emotions like I do. Baily on the other hand isn't quite as excited. Whenever there's baby talk she holds up her little finger to her mouth and says "shhh..." It's so funny. She's getting better about it though. I have a strong feeling it's a boy, Robert won't say what he thinks, my mom says a girl and everyone else is about the same. So I can't wait to find out. We had our first appointment with my new Ob/Gyn Dr. Beck last week and it was awesome. To my surprise he did an ultrasound and we saw the baby perfectly. It was moving around like crazy which can possible attest to my vows that I swear I have already felt this baby move around. It's not specific movements like a kick... just movement that I know isn't gas. I know it sounds crazy but it's true... I have felt this baby already! I'm also huge already. Most of the belly is fat but the difference is that now I can't suck it in and poofs out like a marshmallow. I look 5 or 6 months pregnant and I'm only 3 months. How sad is that? I just pray no one asks me how far along I am and then is surprised to hear only 3 months. That would be so humiliating.

Other than this I really don't have much to report. I seriously have accomplished next to nothing this past couple of months. And I know if I would update daily or even weekly I would have more to write about so I'm gonna try to do better. That's the story of my life... the line I'm always saying- I'll try to do better. But that's all I can do right? Hopefully with this new life of not vomiting 27 times a day (that might be a slight exaggeration), I'll get my rear in gear and get my life back on track. I need and I know my family does. Most importantly I need to focus on working on my spirituality. I've been lacking and it's obvious. I need the Spirit back and I'm ashamed I've been so lax and sporatic about such eternal principles as prayer and scripture study. I will do better!

Oh and I must report that I love my Baily Bug more and more every day. I honestly feel some days that I love her so much my heart hurts. She is at the funnest stage right now with her talking and learning. She's hilarious too. I need to catch up her journal and when I do that I'll update here. I'm getting quite tired and need my baby sleep. Ciao for now!

Changes

So much has happened in my life over the past month or so. I was doing great with my Body-for-LIFE challenge and moving into a third week after two perfect weeks and found out on February 10th I was pregnant. I was so excited and Robert was too. We had been trying for a while to no avail and ended up just deciding that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Well of course we got pregnant. I immediately told pretty much everyone knew because I'm no the type of person that can hold my excitement in or keep a secret. The beginning of the pregnancy was so different from my last pregnancy which I know is common but deep down I just felt that it was a little too different. I felt a little nauseous but nothing like before. I was extremely tired and fatigued and had very intense breast soreness. And my emotions and hormones were crazy. I cried at the drop of a pin. It was ridiculous. The reason I'm talking in past tense is because on the 21st of February I had a miscarriage. It was heart-breaking but I have taken it so much better than I thought I would. I'm glad it was early on... only about 6 weeks or so. I think part of the reason I'm dealing so well is because I had that feeling the whole time like something just was not right. My biggest fear is that something's wrong and that I won't be able to have another baby. I know that's so highly unlikely and that it's common for most women to have at least one miscarriage but it's still a fear I have. I have an appointment this Thursday with a new OB/GYN and I look forward to learning more about this and how soon we can start trying again.

Along with all this I've been struggling very much with some past weaknesses that have resurfaced- past addictions. But I'm happy and honestly able to report that I'm moving on and feeling great about my repentance process. I am determined to never do those actions again in my life.

Right now I feel like I'm at a stage in my life of new beginnings. I feel a new sense of determination and motivation to become a better person and do something with my life. I have been lit up with this overwhelming desire to go back to school and pursue my R.N. degree. I have an appointment with and Advisor at Mesa Community College to see what steps I need to take to get back into school. It stirs such excitement and desire in me.

I have been catching up in my reading of the Book of Mormon and reading 8 chapters a day. What a power it is. Every time I read it I feel such a desire to do right and forsake sin. I love the Book of Mormon so much. It ignites such power in me.

Today was so busy as I am trying to get caught up with everything I got behind on last week and get my life back in order. I'm going on about 5 hours of sleep and I am so tired. I have to finish filling out this caregiver work-book for my job because I have a test tomorrow to become an official certified caregiver. I'll sure be glad when it's done and overwith.

As far as fitness goes I fell very far off the wagon with the whole pregnancy/miscarriage thing which is no excuse and I take full blame for. I'm giving myself this one more week to recuperate and heal and to prepare to have a rockin' BFL challenge that I will complete.

Today I got my birthday package from my mom. When I opened it I just cried. She is the best and I miss her so much. It was a new set of scriptures- a quad, that she has marked her favorite scriptures and made comments in. She made this awesome cover for it that I just adore. She also sent me the book that has motivational quotes for women from Pres. Hinckley called "One Bright Shining Hope." I have wanted it for so long. I love my mom so much. She always gives the best gifts. I miss her so, so much. She's been on my mind so much lately. I can't wait until she comes home. It's going to be amazing.

Baily had her 18 month check-up today and got three shots. She did better today than she's ever done though. The crying was very minimal. She's only 21 pounds and 30 inches. She's my little baby girl. She's perfect. She really was a good girl today. Tonight I was yelling at her for stupid things and I feel so about it. It's so hard to not let the moodiness take over when I'm so tired and overwhelmed with all that I have to do and that's on my plate. I especially hate it when I take it out on her and my husband. They don't deserve that. I will do better and be more patient and more Christ-like. I want to be the best me I can be for them. They are my everything. I love my precious little family.

Well I better go finish that work-book. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get a couple hours of sleep before I have to take that test tomorrow morning!

It's been quite a long time since I wrote last. Oh well... no need on dwelling on the mistakes I make. I'll just learn from them and try harder. I started the 3rd week today of my BFL challenge. I'm doing so well and it feels wonderful. It's been a perfect challenge so far with no cheating and not missing any work-outs. It's been a big building of momentum for me in striving to have a perfect challenge. Of course if I do make a mistake I won't quit and start all over but I really am doing so great.

Today was squeaky clean and just as I planned. The only thing different was that my baby spinach went bad so I coudn't use it for my baked chicken parmesan. I was too tired to make a whole salad so I just had to stalks of celery... had to get my two servings of veggies in. For some reason I was extremely tired today. I mean I didn't get much sleep but I'm kind of used to that. Maybe it's just premenstrual syndrome... It did feel great to get back to eating clean today after that yucky free day yesterday.

Anyway, here's my info:
M1- 3 egg whites and 1 whole egg scrambled, oatmeal with splenda and cinnamon, multivitamin
2- AdvantEDGE carb control RTD, apple
3- left-over EFL beef & barley soup
4- FF cherry yogurt with LF cottage cheese
5- EFL baked chicken parmesan (sooo yummy- I finally got it just right this time!), 2 stalks celery
6- myoplex lite RTD
104 oz. H2O
I finished my LBWO from Friday since I couldn't then because my baby wasn't cooperating at the care center. I also did a killer UBWO... I'm so sore right now and I love it. I could barely wash my hair and put deodorant on. I switched up the exercises a little bit. I definitely hit all my high points. So all in all it has been another perfect day in the books. Maybe tomorrow I'll have my energy back!

I'm really going to do better and concentrate more on being more patient with my little Baily. I have such a hard time, and I feel guilty for even saying this, but I have a hard time not being able to have time for myself. I feel like Baily is requiring 100% of time and it's a hard adjustment for me not to be able to do things I want to get done when I want them to get done. And it wears on me picking up after every second of her waking day. And she doesn't nap much during the day and when she does I have to put her to sleep which can take up to an hour sometimes. Now I know it sounds like I'm complaining but honestly I'm just trying to adjust to this as a new mom. Well new mom to a 1 1/2 year old anyway. It seems like lately I've been having a break-down every day because I just get so tired. And then I feel so guilty and like a horrible mother for yelling at my sweet, innocent baby. I'm just so grateful I don't have to do it alone and that I have prayer and the power of the Atonement to help me with the challenging time in my life. I love my baby girl more than I can ever possibly explain which is why I struggle with this weakness I have of being impatient and losing it sometimes. But I will do better and rely more on my Savior for help because I want my daughter to have the best mommy ever. She deserves it!

Oh dear. I'm so very tired and since I'm at work I have a long night ahead of me. The positive thing about working this shift is that I have to be up by 5AM and I leave by 6 so I can go straight to the gym and get my workout done with first thing in the morning. Here's to another perfect BFL day and a much better mom day tomorrow!