Changes

So much has happened in my life over the past month or so. I was doing great with my Body-for-LIFE challenge and moving into a third week after two perfect weeks and found out on February 10th I was pregnant. I was so excited and Robert was too. We had been trying for a while to no avail and ended up just deciding that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Well of course we got pregnant. I immediately told pretty much everyone knew because I'm no the type of person that can hold my excitement in or keep a secret. The beginning of the pregnancy was so different from my last pregnancy which I know is common but deep down I just felt that it was a little too different. I felt a little nauseous but nothing like before. I was extremely tired and fatigued and had very intense breast soreness. And my emotions and hormones were crazy. I cried at the drop of a pin. It was ridiculous. The reason I'm talking in past tense is because on the 21st of February I had a miscarriage. It was heart-breaking but I have taken it so much better than I thought I would. I'm glad it was early on... only about 6 weeks or so. I think part of the reason I'm dealing so well is because I had that feeling the whole time like something just was not right. My biggest fear is that something's wrong and that I won't be able to have another baby. I know that's so highly unlikely and that it's common for most women to have at least one miscarriage but it's still a fear I have. I have an appointment this Thursday with a new OB/GYN and I look forward to learning more about this and how soon we can start trying again.

Along with all this I've been struggling very much with some past weaknesses that have resurfaced- past addictions. But I'm happy and honestly able to report that I'm moving on and feeling great about my repentance process. I am determined to never do those actions again in my life.

Right now I feel like I'm at a stage in my life of new beginnings. I feel a new sense of determination and motivation to become a better person and do something with my life. I have been lit up with this overwhelming desire to go back to school and pursue my R.N. degree. I have an appointment with and Advisor at Mesa Community College to see what steps I need to take to get back into school. It stirs such excitement and desire in me.

I have been catching up in my reading of the Book of Mormon and reading 8 chapters a day. What a power it is. Every time I read it I feel such a desire to do right and forsake sin. I love the Book of Mormon so much. It ignites such power in me.

Today was so busy as I am trying to get caught up with everything I got behind on last week and get my life back in order. I'm going on about 5 hours of sleep and I am so tired. I have to finish filling out this caregiver work-book for my job because I have a test tomorrow to become an official certified caregiver. I'll sure be glad when it's done and overwith.

As far as fitness goes I fell very far off the wagon with the whole pregnancy/miscarriage thing which is no excuse and I take full blame for. I'm giving myself this one more week to recuperate and heal and to prepare to have a rockin' BFL challenge that I will complete.

Today I got my birthday package from my mom. When I opened it I just cried. She is the best and I miss her so much. It was a new set of scriptures- a quad, that she has marked her favorite scriptures and made comments in. She made this awesome cover for it that I just adore. She also sent me the book that has motivational quotes for women from Pres. Hinckley called "One Bright Shining Hope." I have wanted it for so long. I love my mom so much. She always gives the best gifts. I miss her so, so much. She's been on my mind so much lately. I can't wait until she comes home. It's going to be amazing.

Baily had her 18 month check-up today and got three shots. She did better today than she's ever done though. The crying was very minimal. She's only 21 pounds and 30 inches. She's my little baby girl. She's perfect. She really was a good girl today. Tonight I was yelling at her for stupid things and I feel so about it. It's so hard to not let the moodiness take over when I'm so tired and overwhelmed with all that I have to do and that's on my plate. I especially hate it when I take it out on her and my husband. They don't deserve that. I will do better and be more patient and more Christ-like. I want to be the best me I can be for them. They are my everything. I love my precious little family.

Well I better go finish that work-book. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get a couple hours of sleep before I have to take that test tomorrow morning!